When Your Best May Not Be Enough.

They are the best part of my day.

They walk into school carrying their backpacks, their hopes, their dreams, their sadness.

Their faces light up the campus. Their smiles. Their hugs. They skip, they hop, they run.

I watch their eyes light up when they see a friend, a teacher, or a balloon that floats across the horizon.

I treasure their hugs as they meet me as a long lost friend that they have missed, and listen to their stories about their frogs, their daddies, their dogs and blankies.  I ache with them as they experience things in life that souls this small should not endure.

They are the best part of my world.

My job is to keep students safe and help them learn.  That's what I tell them when they visit me in my office. That's what I believe.

That's what I do.

This morning, I took my dogs to the school, as I always do. And as I walked across the campus, I thought about each and every face. The ones that come barreling down the pathway from the buses. The ones that join arms, that have bows on their hair, that smile at me shyly on their way to their rooms. The ones that are sneaking through the biopark, chasing after a friend. The ones that come early to school, and sit on the ledges in the hallway, waiting for a bell. The ones with missing teeth and big hugs that greet me as they round a corner. The ones that hold a parent's hand, and wave at me behind their mittens and scarfs.

My job is to keep them safe.

You take for granted so much in this world. And then something happens that blows that world apart. And now 20 small children that took the fact that their school was a safe place are now gone, leaving a world that is wondering what is safe anymore.

Walking among the pods this morning, I started to think about what I would do if I ever had to look a parent in the eye, and let them know I wasn't able to keep their most precious thing in the world safe.  And what I would do if I had to explain to a family that I wasn't able to  keep a teacher or staff member safe. And I started to think if I have done everything I can humanly do to make sure I never have to do that.

And wondering if my best is not enough.

But I do know this. I will walk back into school on Monday morning, and treasure the smiles, the hugs, the laughter, even the annoyance that comes as a part of a school day. I also know that I will do my best to ensure that my school is a place where children can come,  be safe, and can learn.

And my best will be enough. I pray it will be enough.

Danger, Danger, Will Robinson.

Have I mentioned to you that I am a slow learner?

Well, for those of you who don't have the pleasure of knowing me and all my quirks, I am. The obvious is not always obvious to me.  If there is a hard way to do something, I will find it.  And then when I see that I could have accomplished a task or project in 3.54 seconds, instead of 3.42 hours, I am always amazed.

In other words, common sense is not always present where I am. And no, I am not gifted. (Those of you who know me can stop laughing now).

I would like to mention that I think I am almost normal now in the world of dating. Well, as normal as you can be when you are dating.  I worry at times that perhaps I am too detached from connections with someone..which brings about an interesting question...

Am I actually exhibiting normal, healthy, adult behavior?
Or am I putting up barriers so I won't get hurt and can maintain some form of sanity?

Yes.

It is possible in life to be at a myriad of levels in becoming the person you were meant to be. Sometimes the levels inside your brain are healthy, and some levels are old defenses that pop up when you are threatened by a past that puts your mind on full scale alert.

Danger, Danger, Will Robinson.

As I have been actually participating in normal dating behavior that doesn't resemble scenes from Fatal Attraction, (and no, I was never that bad..I hope)  I have noticed a strange but important fact.

The closer I get to someone in a healthy relationship, the more I panic.

Danger, Danger, Will Robinson..or Defcon 4, or whatever it is when your mind goes into a state of defense and shuts down.

I have also noticed (please remember the slow learner part of me) that the closer I get to a normal dating relationship, the more dysfunctional my eating habits become.  This realization hit me a couple of weeks ago when I caught myself devouring a box of Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls, after a very happy date.  It makes no logical sense why I would implode a relationship, or hurt myself by unhealthy eating habits...that I know perfectly well how to fix.

Or perhaps it does make sense.

After my adventures in Crazy Land, I was determined that what happened to me with the Mayor would never,  NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, (did I mention never?) happen to me again. And I think that is smart.  You should learn from your mistakes. And when I make mistakes, I go big.

Sigh.

However, the result from my determination is that my psyche also somehow decided that it would help to make sure I didn't get hurt by ..well, just not participating in dating activities that could make hurt a possibility. So for all my complaining and whining that I wasn't a star in the dating world, my inside was rejoicing. ("Yippee! We can't go through this again, so let's help Laura drive yet another poor guy away)".

At least I think that's what my brain was saying to the rest of me.

So now that I am dating someone, and things are getting closer for me, I am terrified. Because I absolutely can not go through this again. My little brain is putting out all kinds of brain stuff that is telling me to run like the wind, hide in my house, push away any kind of warmth that could be intimate.

This is a big problem.

Of course I don't want my life to be this way. My head is telling me so. All resources tell me so. But the heart part of me just doesn't want to have any part of this yet.  Just like when Reid died,  it's the head/heart connection.   My head knew he was gone, but my heart was absolutely broken. And will always be, on some level. And it took a bit for my heart and head to get together to figure that out. Kind of.

So now I have to work on being brave, putting away past hurts, and moving forward to the life and relationships that I deserve.  My head knows that it's possible, that I will have to take a chance in anything wonderful in life, that I need to tear down those walls I am so good at putting around my heart.

Just hope my heart cooperates.  

My Tall Backbone

This school year has already brought more changes than has shoes..or whatever people say about change. And now a really big disturbance of the force is going on at Colinas.

Robert walked into my life after a series of unfortunate events that resulted in the assistant principal at that time leaving Colinas. When I was first told of this move, I was told by the HR director that they all thought that I'd like him. She said we had a lot in common. At the time, I couldn't possibly see how a 6'7 secondary school guy from Los Alamos could have in common with me, but at that point in time, I was just happy to have someone that could at least smile at me and be professional. I figured that he would come in the morning to Colinas, get the heck back to work on Cleveland in the afternoon, and that he would be back in the land of tall students by spring.

I was wrong. 

From the start, Robert was able to do two things at Colinas: He both pleased and terrified people. Some teachers were terrified of him because of their past post traumatic  experiences with other administrators, and some were just scared because he was so tall. A few begged me at first to make sure that I was their evaluator.  The students really liked him..although he did have a way of using his voice and his height to get his point across. He can bellow better than anyone I know..ask any student at Colinas who was trying to do the 50 mile dash in 1.3 seconds across the courtyard.  And he had a name for almost everyone. One of our teachers who somehow set her car on fire became "Mrs. Sparky".  And the first union representative we both had at Colinas always had the fun of hearing him say, "Watch out, union rep!" as she walked by us. Our Site Specialist was called "The Princess". I will say he didn't have a name for me..at least one he said out loud. :)

Around Christmas of that first year, Robert decided that he would like to remain at Colinas instead of going to the hip and trendy Cleveland. I was absolutely amazed. But, there were several factors that entered into his decision. First, there was his daughter, Kaley. She was in third grade when Robert started working at Colinas. This way, he could see her daily..which was a huge bonus for him..and for her. He is an excellent dad. He has a great balance between soft and hard..he cares deeply about his children, but he makes sure they do what they are supposed to do, and stands firm until they do it..which is uncommon sometimes in this day and time. Secondly, he wasn't quite sure if Cleveland would open on time, and it's kind of nice to have a job. Finally,  I think he kinda liked all of us.

Robert was (and still is) really good at listening, observing, and asking questions. And he did all three a lot. At first, he didn't know what the heck a guided reading lesson was, and most likely had never used the phrase, "developmentally appropriate". But he watched, and asked a lot of questions, and then asked again when things still didn't make sense to him.  And he learned, pretty quickly, I might add. And sometimes would make some observations that my little elementary brain had never thought about before. It was fun to watch him come back from a classroom and talk about all that he had seen, and how much he kinda enjoyed getting what the elementary world was like.

Then there was the "Book of Abney". Robert didn't call it that, but it quickly became my phrase for this little book that he carries with him, in which he writes quotes that mean something to him, words of wisdom, and just thoughts about the world in general.  And he was really good about pulling The Book of Abney out, and relaying something I might be rolling my eyes at, but really made good sense for what was happening to me, or the school, or to someone at the moment. He is kind of Yoda like, in a tall, not looking like a Yoda way. What he says usually makes sense.

When you work with someone in a position where a lot of trust and a lot of things of a confidential nature is a given, it's tricky. But Robert and I kind of fit, and balanced each other. I could give him grief, and he would know I'd have his best interests at heart, and he would do the same. There wasn't a moment where I didn't know that he felt about school in general the same way I did. If we put the students first in all decisions, the rest (as hard as it could be at times) would fall into place. And they usually did. We were both honest with each other, and I knew that I could always trust him, and felt that he trusted me.

And then there was his sense of humor. I'm a bit of a goofy dork, and Robert has a great sense of humor that really delighted most people.  As Robert would say (From the Book of Abney, Chapter 3) "If you can't have fun at work..it's just work".   The fact that we could laugh and find humor in all the chaos that was swirling around us was a bonus. You know, sometimes laughing is all you can do.

It's hard to believe, but we've worked together for four years. And I knew that Robert was more than ready for his own school...except if you ask almost any student at Colinas, they thought he was the "real' principal anyway.  You know, being tall and a man equates being more in charge. And that is really what I told people..we both are principals. We were a team.

Robert did suffer some disappointments in his quest to have his own school, and although he was Mr. "CrabbyMcCrabber pants", he did (kind of ) listen when I told him that things were work out when they should. Cause he always told me that. Although I will say he didn't like much having one of his quotes thrown back at him.

And finally, the time was right. He was selected to be the principal at an elementary school in Albuquerque. I am thrilled for him, because it is something that he has wanted and deserved for some time. And he will be great. Our media specialist stopped me when she heard the news and very aptly said, "I know you will miss your tall backbone".  That is what he was for me. There is a part of me that finds it hard to comprehend how I will step in the front door of Colinas on Monday morning, knowing he won't be there. But I will...and he will walk into his new school..and we all will be fine.

Cause as we can both tell you, things always work out as they should. Thanks for everything, Robert.

Back in the Saddle Again....

I would like to mention to anyone within shouting distance that I am back for my sixth year as principal of my little elementary school on the mesa.  Despite  the fact that my district has either A: Forgotten I am the principal out there or B: was truly desperate when I was hired,  I am back for another year of learning and fun.

I would like to tell you that change doesn't bother me at all, but I would be slightly untruthful about this if I did tell you so. Change is inevitable in any school..and usually really a good thing, on some levels.  But I will just mention that it is hard at the moment to write a welcoming back to school letter to the staff when I am not sure what is going to be true in the letter when they get it in a day or so.

Think I could start with "Hold on to your shirts, ladies and gentlemen?"

The one thing that I know for a certainty as an educational leader is that although chaos may be swirling around you (Kind of like Hurricane Hugo did to poor Charleston) said educational leader must remain calm, cool, and collected in the face of the debris that is sweeping past everyone's faces.  I am normally very good at that..with the exception of having beekeepers that decided to disturb a nest during school hours, leaving numerous stings on my faces as I marched indignantly after said beekeepers..trying not to choke them for hurting my students and scaring people to death. That, I think is a bit justified.

Change..and the concept of it can be unsettling to people, or it can be exciting and life changing. I have always thought that when things began to change, or if possibilities come up, it is always good from my  perspective that I when I am a little nervous about something, it usually works out well.  Don't ask me why..It's kind of like the dream I used to have before school started when I was teaching. I would dream that I would walk into my first grade/kindergarten/second grade classroom, and there would be gigantic football players sitting at the tables, informing me that why yes, they were in my class for the year. When I woke up trembling (yes, I am a bit intimidated by people taller than I am) this dream would guarantee that I would have a great first day of school.  The one year I didn't have this dream, I walked to pick up my new Kindergarten class, watching small boys circling the room as a piranha circles toes in the Amazon River...causing great confusion and a lot of delay to my neatly planned and orderly first day of school.

That one year was the reason I loved my Football player dream. I will note I do not have a football player dream for my first days of school as an administrator.  I am sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for why that is, but I can't think of why my brain wouldn't cooperate about this  at the moment.

So this year, I am noting that I am a little on edge and a bit nervous about the changes that may entering my comfort zone at school. And to be honest, that is a good thing. I know that things happen for a reason and when they are supposed to happen. The universe has a way of taking care of things and situations that always tends to work out more successfully than what I have envisioned in my small principal like brain.

So I will continue preparing schedules, hiring the remaining staff we need to hire, print calendars, and look forward to more change and more exciting possibilities around the corner. I am fortunate to be in an environment where the impossible can come possible every day.

And buying new Sharpies to begin the year is always a bonus. :)

Moving up the Dating Continuum...

I am happy to announce (perhaps) that I have now entered a new level on the "Dating Continuum". I don't think one really exists, but since I am in education, and deal with continuums daily, why not construct a dating one? A 1 (or beginning step) would be Date One, with a 4 (or Advanced) would be when you actually get engaged..or married. Hmmm, this has possibilities.

Ok, back to my current level.

I am now at the level which will now give the acronym of "MWRPW". In case you are wondering what in the world this stands for, I will now elaborate.

It's "Men Who Resemble Psychotic Women".

If you know anything about me at all, I am fond of Lifetime movies.  And in Lifetime movies, there always seems to be a woman who goes psychotic and wrecks havoc everywhere she goes..normally on her husband or boyfriend.

Like Betty Broderick.

Meredith Baxter plays her in a two part (yes, it takes two movies to tell this story) movie in which Betty Broderick loses her husband to his secretary, and she gets mad. When I tell you she gets mad, she does things to them that will not land her in the "Nice Woman Club" and ends with killing both her ex-husband and his new wife. And this is a true story, I might add. She would be one of the founders of the "Psychotic Women" club.  

Now most people are under the belief that it is women that usually go nuts and do things that would make you call the police when a relationship ends..or begins...or when things do not go exactly as they expect them to go. And I am not denying this. I've seen it happen. I've also been the one that would panic when a man didn't contact me 1.2 minutes after I contacted them. ..and to be sure that the world as I knew it had come to an end. Any of my friends can verify  this as well. Poor them. I am not proud of this fact, but that is when I was at the beginning step of the dating continuum. So I should be given some credit that I have learned not to flip out when I wasn't contacted back within an unreasonable amount of time. This fact could help explain one of the reasons I am still single. 

However, I am now encountering men who exhibit this kind of "Betty Broderick" behavior as well. Perfectly normal looking and reasonable looking men, who actually have jobs and teeth.  (Please remember those two traits are part of my criteria for men).  They seem normal, they act like they are reasonable, focused, funny, real..a lot of the things that I find attractive in a man. 

The second facet of this disability is that they think that I am absolutely amazing. They love my voice, my wit,  my laugh. They are drawn and connected to me in a way that they have NEVER been connected and drawn to a woman before in their lives.  Pretty neat, huh?

The only issue is that they haven't met me yet. 

Danger, Danger, Will Robinson. 

The third facet of this disability (and yes, I qualify MWRPW as a disability) is that the reasonableness and normal like behavior switches into someone who resembles....

You know the movie. Remember the poor bunny?

The men with this issue begin to exhibit "Fatal Attraction" characteristics.  It kind of goes like this:

 Man with MWRPW: "Why don't you think I'm amazing like I think you are?" 

Me: " I haven't met you yet."

Man with MWRPW:  "You need to live in the moment, let yourself go, not hold back".

Me: "I just met you". 

Man with MWRPW: "We will be a great couple together. I don't understand why you are not letting yourself feel what I feel is an deep, once in a life time connection".

Me:  "I just met you".

Man with MWRPW:  "Well, something is obviously wrong with you since you (You can pick from the following choices) :

                                      1.  Don't think I'm amazing.

                                      2.  Won't have sex with me on the first date.

                                      3.  Act normal. 

Me:  (in my inside voice) " Are you kidding me"?

I guess it is reasonable to make the connection between men and women in their 40s and 50s that are thrust into a dating world in which all the rules are different, and the ground that you are are is a slippery slope leading to psychotic disaster. So I will continue on the path of my dating continuum world, and pray that somewhere between the second step (approaching dating proficiency) and the fourth step (a relationship) is that out there somewhere there is a normal man who is...well, as normal as you can expect someone to be without whipping out a knife and trying to slash me because I won't conform to their ideal of what ideal is.

I don't think that's too much to ask. Is it? 

When you hit a bump...

It seems as if most cities have speed bumps. They are highly annoying, I might add. I know that they are placed in strategic positions so that normal people who are just trying to get to their designation can't get there quite as quickly as they would like. It's not like I speed or anything excessive like that, it's just that slowing down is not in my DNA..which is a good and a bad thing.

I have been pretty proud of myself lately. I've been handling events and people more like a normal person would..well, more like a normal person who is meeting new people and trying to navigate the world of singledom.  For instance, I started talking to a man who seemed nice and interesting. We did the online dating thing.

1. We e-mailed on the online site.
2. We then exchanged numbers and started to text back and forth.
3. He seemed to find me very attractive, desirable..which kind of amazed me, since we hadn't met.
4. When I mentioned that fact, he got defensive and said that I was "holding on to the past" since I didn't feel like I should run off to Tahiti with him, and tell him that he was the greatest thing since the Coach purse...or the invention of the Sharpie.
5. I decided he was a bit psycho...and declined to talk to him again.
6. Bonus points for me.

So there I was, very proud of myself, and thinking that I was becoming like the "Rambo" of  the dating world, when it happened. 

I got an e-mail from a man that I was fond of, and someone who had been very generous and kind to me. 

Do you ever get a funny tingling in your chest when you see something that you know is going to be bad and scary? That "heart attack" kind of feeling which spreads throughout your body and makes you feel like you are going to throw up? 

That's how I felt when I saw the e-mail..before I even read it. 

Not good.

He talked about how busy he was, how he missed talking to me, how he was still planning to move to Thailand, or the Philippines perhaps, and that I would be proud of him because he was going to take two trips in the late summer and fall. I really don't remember the rest of it, because as I was reading/skimming it, the panic inside me began to grow and build. 

I had (foolishly, I know) mentioned to him that he could come over to my house for dinner sometime. He said although the invitation was "alluring" he was now "pretty much" dating someone that works for him,  and someone who was like a mother figure.  She wasn't the description of the "ideal" that he said he had to have to be attracted to someone, but I know people do change. 

But it hurt.  And it was even more hurtful since I felt I was on the right track..and he was a friend, or so I thought. 

And I didn't want it to hurt. I was tired of being hurt...and feeling hurt. 

So I have been highly irritated with myself about it all, because deep inside I knew I was holding on to feelings that I knew were not healthy for me.  And I still have some work to do in that area. 

But then I realized that by hurting I work through my feelings, and then can let them go.  I was confusing someone being nice and generous to me with love. But at least I took a chance, and although it does hurt to know what people say is not always what they mean, I will be ok. 

Bumps are necessary things in life as well. I don't like them, but I will get over this one too, and once again add to my "Lessons in Life" manual. 

Which is getting pretty thick, I might add. 

Fifty Shades of Something.

Now before I begin this, I want to write a disclaimer that I was asked to review "Fifty Shades of Grey", by my friend Cindy, who has known me since elementary school, and has seen me in kitty cat glasses for more years than I would like to mention.

I first heard about the book that "made the New York Times Best Seller list, but no one wanted to mention that they had read it" on the Jackie, Tony, and Donnie radio show that starts off my morning every morning. I love listening to them..they are funny, make me laugh, and give crap to everyone...including themselves. I feel as if I know them personally, although I've only heard them. Perhaps they feel like they know me, too. If they don't feel that way, well, they should.

So I talked to some of my friends about this book, and they informed me that Jackie, Tony, and Donnie were right..it was a very "interesting" book, that had great sex information in it. Well, actually great sex scenes in it. It also seemed as if a lot of people that I knew had read the books, but didn't talk about it either. One friend told me that she didn't think it was a book I would like, which of course ensured that I would read it. I am just a tad stubborn. I am sure that you haven't noticed that.

I did hesitate a bit in reading the book, solely for the reason that if it was as truly erotic as everyone said it was, I didn't want to get in the paper for tackling random men that happened to be walking down the street. After all, I live in a family neighborhood, and I am a principal..who doesn't need to be in the paper for "men tackling".

But my natural curiosity overruled my basic common sense (this one fact gets me in trouble a lot) and I put the first book on my iPad, and began to read. Anastasia (the heroine in the story) bumps into Mr. "Steamy and Brooding" while interviewing him for her best friend, who happens to be ill.  Of course Anastasia is very beautiful, of modest means, and doesn't realize her "hotness" factor, or how she affects men. Mr. "Steamy and Brooding" is young, extremely rich, extremely hot, in other words, everything a woman would want in a Harlequin romance novel..except this one is on steroids, in a manner of speaking.

They are massively attracted to each other..for it seems that Mr. Grey has had some dominance issues with other woman, but until he met Anastasia, he never was drawn towards anyone like he felt for her. (cue harps playing, violins violining, etc.)  Although he is fond of gags, ropes, chains, whips and the like, he is actually willing to have "vanilla" sex with her. Which they do often and with fidelity. (I don't think fidelity is a word that is associated with sex, but I am in education, so that's all I can think of at the moment).

Like the Twilight series, "Shades of Grey"  is a trilogy as well. I will tell you (at risk of alienating my friends who love the Twilight series) that I really feel that the Twilight books could have been written in two (or perhaps one) books:

1. Young, beautiful, girl of modest means (hmmm, sounds familiar, doesn't it?) meets a handsome, hot, brooding, rich vampire.
2. They sigh and twinkle at each other. The wolves object. 
3. They marry and produce a vampire/human baby, whose existence kicks off a huge war between the mean vampires.
4. The good vampires win. The end. 

I did like the last book in that trilogy, I will mention. 

I think that Shades of Grey could have been written in one or two books as well. 

1. Young, beautiful, girl of modest means meets a handsome, hot, brooding, rich, kinky like man.
2. He is drawn to her and goes nuts when she bites her lip. She stares at him a lot in his jeans and white shirt.
3. Because he is so drawn to her, and wants to have her (he uses the word mine a lot..and I mean a lot) he is willing to compromise his domineering standards for her. 
4. She leaves him briefly (I think it was 4 days) but the force of their attraction for each is too much. 
5. She decides that she actually likes some of this domineering sex. 
6. They have a LOT of sex. She bites her lip and he just looks hot.
7. They marry, build a big house, and live happily ever after..even after a fired boss of Anastasia wants revenge and tries to kill him. Or her. 

The benefit of the three books is that you learn about bedroom techniques that have made a lot of husbands and boyfriends happy...or so I've read. And it is the number one best seller..mostly for that reason, I imagine. And so for the greater good of marriages, they might be good books to read to ensure longer and happier unions.

Especially if you bite your lip. :)

The Mechanical Gene

Before I start this posting, I would like to add a disclaimer (or valid reason) for why I am totally lacking in anything mechanical or spatial like in my DNA.  I am sure it all stems back to my childhood, although I am not really sure of this fact..except for the fact that I grew up with my mom and my sisters, and a group of females just don't spend their time looking at car parts or power tools.  We did use rakes a lot, to rake the gigantic piles of oak leaves that accumulated in the front yard, and caused me to lose my glasses a couple of times. Oak trees make a lot of leaves, I tell you. Of course my middle sister will tell you that she was the ONLY one who ever did all the house/yard work, but if this was true, how could I lose my glasses? (Now we all know that after you rake leaves, jumping in them is a must).

I never had such magnificent leaps into the leaves, and our piles of leaves were MUCH bigger. But you get the point.

I have always had spatial issues. When I was working with small groups of children in college, it was kind of mortifying to note that the students in third grade could piece together a puzzle much faster than I could.  Although I can put together some puzzles, I might add. 

I am also good at the 36 piece ones..most of the time.

After I graduated from college and got married, I just didn't worry about anything that had to do with cars, tools, wood, or anything that I would have to put together. That just wasn't in my job description of me. But God has a sense of humor, and now that I am living alone, I have to face my deficiencies in this area. 

First of all, I had no tools. No hammer, no pliers, no screwdriver, nothing. So kind friends took pity on me and I got some as gifts. I actually have a little pink set, complete with pink hammer and assorted tools whose names escape me at the moment.

I also had to purchase a lawn mower. Now I will say that one thing I am good at is mowing. I learned from the master of the lawn patterns, Craig.  And although I never mowed while living with him, I did a lot of watching from the Yoda of the lawn mower. So I am pretty good at mowing.  I looked around for lawn mowers that were on sale and didn't use batteries, and found an orange one with the Husaveanga name..or something like that. 

I actually found this one at Sears, where someone had returned it, and I got it for 100.00. And it's orange. I think Reid had a hand in this. It's worked really well, except for the time I accidentally bent the blade while trying to trim the border with it. I might add that is not a good idea. 

Since I had to have great looking grass, I had to face my biggest challenge of all..

The gas weed wacker tool of foreboding.

I have seen these things being used by the men in my life all my life. They scare me to death. First, they are taller than I am. Secondly, they make a lot of noise and have string like stuff flying out of it. Thirdly (I know that's not a word, but I like the way it sounds) there is a way you turn them to edge your yard..and I have no idea which way that is. (Please keep in mind my spatial issues).  They also take some kind of mixture of gas and oil. Why that is, I don't know. I guess that they are the equivalent of a Coach handbag versus one from Target, and they are higher maintenance tools. 

The whole point is, they scare me to death. 

I have been looking for one for some time, because I was told by Todd (the master of all things yard related) that I needed one of these because not only do they trim your grass, but you can also put all these attachments on them that will help you do other yard like things as well. Like it has an edger attachment..and a tiller attachment..and I am sure other attachments that make men get excited like women do when Kohl's has a huge sale. 

He called me today to report that I needed to get myself quickly to Lowe's, where one of the scary tools was on sale for 60.00...marked down from hundred something. So being a good padawan of the Yard Master, I turned my car around, and got the evil tool, a gas can thing, and some oil to mix the gas with when I take the new gas can thing to get filled. 

It is now sitting in its box in the garage, laughing at me, and waiting for Todd to come and try to instruct me how to work it without harm to self or others. I guess the better phrase would be without harm to self or the yard.  

So now hopefully I will learn to conquer this tool of power, and try to strengthen the few mechanical genes I have in my body. I am sure I can do it. I am just not sure how well I will do it. 

I am sure bloodshed will be part of it, however. 

The "Almost Summer Vacation" week

Have I mentioned that I am now officially in "out of school, but not on vacation yet" mode? In case you are wrinkling your nose in wondering how that is possible, let me clarify.

1. The students are now at their homes happily reading books, writing massive novels, and enjoying doing model math drawings on the refrigerator. (hey, a principal can dream, can't she?)
2. The teachers are in Vegas, going sky diving, lounging at a pool,  residing at Turtle Mountain and Fat Squirrel, and occasionally giving thanks that they are no where near a PDSA or an Essential Standard. (You know this is true). They do have to sign a disclosure paper that if caught by law enforcement, they will let them know that they are employees of Puesta Del Sol..not Colinas. We have standards, you know. 
3. I am at school, trying to balance classes, wondering what in the heck that paper is STILL doing in one of my piles, and trying to send in paperwork that has been due since 1932. 

In short, it's summer vacation for everyone except me..and I am getting close to it. (Only 3 more days, I might add..if you don't add the weekend, which I never count. It's only right).

But the one benefit of my residence at school still..yet..really.. is that I can relax slightly. No one is waiting to pounce upon me about a natural disaster on the bus or about the fact that I am STILL responsible for global warming. We have interviewed teachers, and although this is a tedious process, I am happy to report we had more excellent candidates for the positions than we had positions to offer. And this is a very good place to be in if you are me. At a school, still. 

The other excellent part of this being at school during the summer is that our gym/cafeteria project is underway. And I mean really underway. The cafeteria and the gym floors are now dirt mounds, you can see through big holes that are gaping in the walls, and who knew that we had so much duct work in the ceilings? But the best part is that we have a construction superintendent that is a cross between Sammy Hager and the guy on Diners, Drive ins, and some other words that escapes me at the moment. And he rocks the casba, as Whitney would say. We are ahead of schedule, he communicates  with us on a regular basis,  and he has three great children named Rex, Crash, and Blaze Susie Q 2.0. (and no, I am not exaggerating). And Crash and Blaze are girls. 

The new stage..where I most likely will sing some kind of song that will make the staff cry..literally.

I am also (since I do not collapse at the end of the day, as I normally do) pursuing things to make me fitter and a better me. The latest is a series of Tony Robbins CDs. Tony Robbins is a very tall man, with a voice that you definitely pay attention to when he speaks. He is teaching me how to visualize the life I want and the goals I want. He does this through incantations such as, "Every day and every way, I am better and better"..and "I am all the love I need..yes." I will add this is very invigorating and has helped me. I do this in the morning when I walk the dogs, and so far no one has carted me off as I chant these mantras with vim and vigor, I might add.  I think the thing I like about him the most is that he is encouraging...the dogs love me, but aren't good at saying, "You are doing great, Laura!" as I try to jog and walk without running into a bush. He is kind of like my new best friend and counselor combined into one person...except I've never met him and he is just a voice. 

I am also back at the pool. I like to swim for many reasons:

1. I'm good at it.
2. It's a good way to cool off when you are hot without taking clothes off.
3. You can do a lot of thinking while doing the back stroke.
4. It helps me get fitter. 

I go to this pool that is a city pool, but for some reason people in Rio Rancho think is a private neighborhood  pool. This works well for me because I can go and swim laps without causing small children to go fleeing out of the pool. Although I will say when I was there today, a couple of children were there from Colinas. Fortunately, they didn't recognize me..which I think is a good thing, because I wouldn't want to be responsible for their therapy bills later on. I guess you just don't think that your principal would be swimming in a bathing suit...ever.  

I also have more time now to work in my yard and garden. I love doing that, although sometimes the plants do not cooperate with me as they should. At the moment, all my tomato plants and garden vegetables are happy and growing, my yard is looking green, I've only bent one lawn mower blade, and my butterfly bush that the office staff gave me is still happy.

Behold the tomato plants.

And my butterfly bush. It is happy in my backyard. 

The Famous Millie posing.

Kitty supervising all my backyard work. 

I do love my "Almost Summer Vacation" Week before my real vacation. Makes me wonder what else I will find to do. Stay tuned. :)

The Nice thing

In my continuing effort to figure on what the heck is going on in the world (and my place in it) I have been doing some serious thinking lately while I walk the dogs. Serious thoughts go on while walking, mostly because there is not a lot to distract me except for looking at the world..and that leads to thinking more of what in the heck is going on in the world, and my place in it. It's like a Laura Numeroff Circle type book.

Surely you know about these books. If you do not, run quickly to a bookstore or library and read them.  Or ask a child in first grade or Kindergarten about them. 

I am a person, for good or for bad, that tends to see the world through a sparkly type lens. You know, the kind that illuminates the world and makes people in it look wonderful and like they are from some kind of movie whose name escapes me at the moment. It will come to me in the middle of the night, or while I am taking a shower or walking the dogs. You know this fact is true. It's kind of like when you have a profound statement that you wished you had said at the time of the conversation, where you would seem all powerful and knowledgable and like Tony Robbins in your wisdom. Of course, this never happens. You stammer and shake your head instead, and then kick yourself silently afterwords. 

Yes, I have been watching Tony Robbins on Oprah and her life tour. Do not roll your eyes at me about this. He is very wise and inspirational like..except I do think he has laryngitis  or something to that effect. 

Now back to my profound thoughts.

I have decided that I need some kind of IEP or an intervention plan to be able to discern between nice and not so nice. This plan is necessary because I have a tendency to make everyone that I meet into a nice person. This I really think is not such a bad thing, unless you are like me and start rationalizing why they are still nice even though they are jerking you around and being a little...well...mean.

My thinking goes like this:

• "I don't think he meant to hurt me when he mentioned another woman in the middle of our conversation. " 

Or my favorite question that drives most of my friends to drink:

• "That was mean? Really?"

Fortunately I have people who are still my friends who care enough about me (thank goodness)  to tell me the truth as I try to figure things out. People do hurt other people. Some intentionally...Some unintentionally. I am guilty as much as anyone at hurting people. That's the way life goes. We hurt people and they think we are mean or nice...because it is all about your perspective and the way you view the world. 

I think even Tony Robbins would agree with me about that. I wonder if he has a question phone hot line? 

My Life Outside the Bubble: Accepting it all

My Life Outside the Bubble: Accepting it all: Tomorrow will be the sixth anniversary of Reid's death. Six years seems like a very long time ago, or just a blink of an eye. I mean, our ki...

Accepting it all

Tomorrow will be the sixth anniversary of Reid's death. Six years seems like a very long time ago, or just a blink of an eye. I mean, our kindergarteners at Colinas were born the year Reid died. When you stop to think about that, it is an amazing thing. Or not.

I read a lot of books after Reid died. A lot. I am sure that the stock in Amazon went up substantially with all the books on grief and losing a child that I bought. And all the books spoke about the stages of grief. You know,

•  Denial ( I am the queen of that) 
• Anger (I think I skipped that part, although I did ask a lot why it would happen to Reid, and not to the axe murderers of the world) 
• Bargaining (If only I kept him up and hadn't been sleeping, if only I had a defibrillator handy) 
• Depression (I think that was the laying in bed part and watching "What Not to Wear")
• And Acceptance.

I think I'm there now. I think about him, and my heart just slightly breaks. I watch the band play at the high school, and I can smile when I see the tubas. I make spaghetti, and think of it all over his face as a small boy.  I watch his good friends grow into men, and my heart doesn't twist the way it used to at the "what could have been". 

It's the way it is in my world now. He will always be missing in my world, but that is the way it is. He has always been my heart, and he is still in it.  I find the things that give me joy, and I can feel joy.  I watch a butterfly doing a backflip in the sky, and I know he is there. And now when I see two, I know that his dad is doing backflips along with him. (except I think Reid is a bit faster at this point). 

Life does go on..and I am going on. The day Reid died, the sky was sunny and brilliantly blue. I used to think that was profoundly wrong on every level. And then, as I gained acceptance about his death, I realized that the sky was exactly the way it should have looked as heaven welcomed him in. After all, he made this world a better place..and I know wherever he is, he is making that a much better place as well. 

And doing amazing backflips. Love you always, Reid. 

One of the good guys

He was a great person.

Funny...

Loved to have fun.

Trying on Christmas Boxer shorts with Tim and Bob.

A good brother.

In Lake Tahoe with Bobby.

Loved his career..and was damn good at it.

The Day he became a Major. That was a good day.

An amazing father.

Easter Day -1991 in Nebraska

At the beach with Reid.

Halloween in Nebraska...right before the big blizzard.

An amazing husband.

The World Famous John Deere Lawn Mower...Whitney was supervising.

Craig and Sheryl at the beach. 

I know that there are many things I could tell you about Craig. He was such a big part of my life..the world just doesn't seem right without knowing he is in it. Thank you, Craig, for being so good to me, our children, my family, and being an amazing husband to Sheryl.

You really were one of the good guys.

Love you always.

When the time is right...what is to be, becomes.

Yes, this is yet another blog about my dating experiences. Or lack thereof. If I am driving you crazy with this, just stop reading now. 

But I think you should read on. Just saying.

When I finished my Educational Specialist degree in Administrative Leadership (trying saying that fast three times) I started interviewing for assistant principal positions. Now this was the me that set a goal..wanted the goal..knew I could get the goal in 23.4 minutes. 

Silly Me.

Since I had been a teacher at the first school I interviewed at, everyone thought I would get the assistant principal position. Everyone. I mean, after all, didn't I work diligently and had great rapport with the staff and community? Everyone thought I would get it.

Everyone but the incoming principal, that is. 

After that first devastating job rejection, I went on to interview for assistant principal positions at four other schools. Each time I went in with great confidence and great hope. Each time I failed at getting the positions I had so much confidence and hope about. 

I was upset. After all, I had the qualifications for the jobs. After all, I had a lot of good experience and credibility in my field. And finally, I was supposed to get the positions that I applied for. I always had before. I didn't get it. I didn't get it at all. 

I was upset and twitching and all the things that you do when you are used to having things the way you want them and you don't get them.

And then it happened.

I interviewed for a sixth position, and I got the job. Now I will mention that there were some stumbling blocks about this process as well, but I did get the job. 

And (this will most likely not surprise you, but it did me) this was exactly the job that I was meant to get. Looking back, if I had gotten any of the other positions, it really wouldn't have been where I was meant to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing. 

So now here I am, going through the exhaustion and bewilderment that is the dating world of me. And just like the "Summer of rejection" as I liked to call it, the same things are happening to me with men that I meet and get to know. 

Except this time, the lines are a little different. They go like this:

" You are nice, but I've met the woman of my dreams".

"I have a great girlfriend now, but you are really nice".

"I really care about you, but not in the way that you want me to". 

And then my personal favorite.....

Yep, you are right...that big white space above this sentence  is the sound of silence.  The disappearing factor that some men excel at brilliantly. 

However, I did make a connection the other day between my summer of disappointment and trying to build a good relationship with a good man.  And it is this. When the time is right, what is to be, does become. The disappointments and heartbreaks and frustration and confusion teach you who you are, and help to mold you into a person that has a good sense of self..and what is right ..and what is settling.

So when the time is right...it will become for me. And it will for you, too. I promise. 

Let me know when it happens....cause it will. :)

The "Push Me Pull You" deal

I do a lot of thinking in my car. Between pretending I am Christina Aguilera, and solving world peace in my head, it is amazing that I haven't run a red light or run into someone. We will not count the times that I have slightly swerved into the medium while thinking. Just slightly, I might add.


I know that this will surprise no one..and doesn't surprise me anymore that my thoughts while driving led to the chaos and exhaustion of the dating world.  I have read so many books, looked at so many "What You ..Yes, I Mean You, Are Doing Wrong in Dating", websites, and blogs about what you should do or shouldn't do. All this information is enough to send you fleeing to the woods (or here in New Mexico, the mesa) wondering who/what/ to listen to for help.


It's exhausting.


However, as much as I read..as much as I ask and listen to others... (and thank goodness once again for my friends who need some kind of humanitarian award for helping me) I am beginning to have a voice and a mind of my own about this stuff.

When I was little, there was a movie about Doctor DoLittle. Doctor DoLittle was a vet (I think)who knew how to speak various animal languages. He sets off from his village, which is Pubbleby-On-The-Marsh (best village name ever) in search of the Giant Pink Sea Snail. 

Yes, I know..this Pink Sea Snail doesn't look pink, and is very fake looking..but you have to remember, the original Doctor Dolittle movie was made in 1967.

Anywho, as Doctor DoLittle travels around the world looking for the fake pink snail, he meets a very unique animal....

Behold the  Pushmi-Pullyu .

The Pushmi-Pullyu is a funky mix between a llama and a gazelle..and whenever it starts to go somewhere, both the heads start to go in opposite directions. Now this could be an issue, it seems to me. 

But it also reminded me what relationships and the dating world can be like.

You knew I was coming to a point sometime, didn't you?

Although I have read this, and been told this, please keep in mind I am a slow learner. But it does seem as if one dating person pulls away, this causes the other dating person to push forward. Kind of a cause and effect thing.

We all seem to want what is out of our reach...

And when what we want is readily available, it's just not as enticing as it was when it was out of our reach. 

Now I know that eventually the pushing and pulling subsides, because people do get married and live together in a relationship type of thing. But it is just beyond me why you have to play the push you pull me game in order to keep someone interested in you. 

It's exhausting, dating is.  Guess I will have to keep a color coded flowchart of when I am supposed to push...and then when I pull.

Hmmmm, now this could have possibilities. 

The Havelinas of Sedona

Now you may be wondering if my trip during Spring Break is ever going to end. Please keep in mind that this is the first vacation  trip that I have gone on outside New Mexico since 2005. Yes, I said 2005. So please indulge me if I go a little overboard in describing my vacation. And as we all know, I ramble. So there.

Now back to the final part of my story.

When we entered Sedona, the first thing that I noticed that the town sure did have a lot of red. Red dirt, red mountains, red mesas, red rocks...just red. It looks a lot like my friend Eileen's back yard in Jemez Springs. And also a lot like the red dirt in Georgia. Which just goes to show you that red dirt is everywhere. Well, at least everywhere that I seem to go.

It was really a perfect day. Just like in Flagstaff, you couldn't ask for a more perfect day to be outside. But unlike Flagstaff, the town was bustling with people that also thought that Sedona would be a wonderful place to be for the weekend. In a way, it was kind of like a southwesterny Myrtle Beach...but without the great homemade ice cream that they had in a little tiny store beside the highway.

The first order of business was business. We had another list of architects to visit, and so we set out to do so. We dropped off Lighting information to a man who seemed very busy and a bit annoyed, and then discovered a path that led back to a spectacular  view of the mountains/mesas. And it was so. I think people in this world miss so much not being out in the world. And just looking at it.

Oops, that's another story for another time.

After dropping off the required business materials, and finding out that my MapQuest app has a sense of humor (it led us in a circle of two miles to get to a place that we could have driven 500 feet to find) we drove though the round-abouts (what is it about roundabouts, anyway?) to this little shopping area on the southern (I think) side of Sedona.

I must mention here that I am making up the southern direction. I have NO idea which way we went to get there, except we went left from the roundabout, down the hill, and curved to the right. A good southern girl does not know directional terms.

We stopped at a little pub for lunch that had just opened, and sat on the patio and shared artichoke dip and pita bread. The view from the little patio was spectacular, and David spent time looking at Flagstaff literature on how he could move there.

The shopping center also had these great..ummmm, not sure what they were, but they are just amazing. A combination between a wind chime and fused glass..just unique and fun. Everyone should have one, although I am sure they are very expensive. Fun and amazing things usually are.

We walked around, looking through the galleries, and the shops, where David bought a very unique piece of art, and a mug for his friend, Ms. Cougar. We also went into a furniture/accessory store. It had a lot of things in it that would work well with the kind of lighting that David produces and sells. There was a very different futon bed that also called his name. It is hard work to accessorize a baby castle, I tell you.

After the oohing and the aahing in the stores, we proceded to the Bed and Breakfast we were staying in near Red Rock. I had never been to a Bed and Breakfast, so this was new for me. We pulled up in front of a blue house, that sat beside the rocks and the mesas and the view. It was definitely a view.

The Bed and Breakfast belonged to an older couple, which was also their home. It had a very definite "Georgia" type feel, with the ruffles, and the doilies, and the flowery beds. We chatted for a while with the owner, and then his wife came back from an errand. She struck me as a  weary type of person. Her eyes were so sad and worn out, and she moved with great effort. But they were both welcoming, and told us about the flora and the fauna in the area. They had birds chippering by the window, and roadrunners running around, and then they disclosed the most important animal of all...

Observe the awesome Havelina.

Now I have only read and heard about Havelinas. After all, there is the book, "The Three Little Havelinas" that I have read many time to my students. But I have never seen a real, live, in the piggy flesh type of one. So the possibility of getting to "meet" one was almost as good as Adam Levine handing me a Louis Vuitton purse and asking me to go to the Caribbean.

I mean after all, he is unattached at the moment. 

We decided (after unpacking and observing the birds) to go to dinner a bit early, so we could come back early, sit on their back patio, look at the stars, and share a bottle of wine. 

That kinda happened. 

We spent time at the restaurant..3 hours of time, actually. We ate and talked about anything and everything. I might add that when ever I wear white, for some reason, I tend to eat things that are a magnet for my white shirt. And why in the world I ordered linguine with clams and red sauce, I will never know. But I did. And you most likely know what happened to my pristine white shirt. 

Good thing it was dark when we left. 

When we returned back to the bed and breakfast, we decided to take a walk. The Bed and Breakfast couple were relaxing in their matching "Barc-a-loungers", watching NCAA basketball on TV when we were leaving. They looked at us like we had grown two heads and had a horn when we told them we were going out for a walk..in the dark. And no, we didn't need a flashlight.

It was an amazing night. No street lights were in the area, so it looked as if the stars were in a 3D movie..except this was real.  We walked for a couple of miles, and looked at this amazing house whose backyard had a massive mountain made of rock behind it. This led to discussion of how the owners protected their house (which had a lot of glass) from falling rock.  Perhaps I was talking about it, and David was silently shaking his head as I pondered the meaning of rocks and houses. 

On the way back, I decided to be wild and to run...down the middle of the road...on the yellow stripes. It reminded me of the times my sisters and my cousins would be sitting in the back of my aunt's station wagon, flapping our arms, and thinking that if we flapped hard enough, the car would fly. 

Nice to know there is still that part of me inside.

Unfortunately, the beautiful weather that had greeted us the last couple of days had come to an end. There was a massive snow and wind storm headed towards Sedona and Flagstaff, and if we stayed until Sunday, we would most likely get caught in it, and delay our return back home. 

That would not do. The world of Lighting can not exist without David in it.

So the next morning when we awoke, I was actually able to get ready for the day in a bathroom that had outlets...Thank goodness. While we were eating our breakfast of yummy waffles and strawberries, the main event arrived. 

This was the "quiet herd" as the owner of the Bed and Breakfast informed us. I guess there was a rowdy bunch that arrived at other times during the day. 13 of the Havelina crowd meandered into the backyard, and chomped contentedly on dog food and left over waffles.

I can not tell you how excited I was to see them upclose and personal. I know....I don't get out a lot.

Sadly, we packed our bags after the Havelina experience, and headed back up to Sedona to partake in a Sedona tourist tradition...

The Jeep tour ride.


Now, we did not take the "world famous" Pink Jeep tour. We took the ride with a Native American cowboy, who shared with us that he had four children with different partners, helped to build the "Pink Jeep" business..and then came back from California to help with the current business he was working at. He was a very informative type of man. Very good at sharing the flora and the fauna of the area as well..which makes sense, because it is a good thing to tell your jeep riders.

It was an unique experience. We bounced and tousled our way up to 7,000 feet of amazing Arizona splendor.  I might add that the cold front was beginning to come in, so it was getting a bit chilly. When we got to the "world famous tree", where all the pictures that represent Arizona were taken, I spotted....

Yes, another pine cone.  One must have priorities here.

David and the cowboy tour guide continued toward the tree, while I risked my life trying to reach for a pine cone without toppling over the edge of the cliff like thing we were perched on.

Ta-Duh! Success.

The view...although windy and chilly...was absolutely breathtaking. Words don't really describe it, so I won't.

After the tour guide cowboy helped me descend from the peak of the hill (he must have realized that I have balance issues) we descended back down from 7,000 feet to the town of Sedona. At the bottom of the hill, we passed a family, driving a Toyota type car. They stopped and asked our cowboy tour guide if their car would get damaged riding up the trail.

Even I knew that answer. Durf.

We thanked our Cowboy tour guide, I tried to fix my totally wind blown hair, and left to have lunch at this little vegetarian cafe, full of vegetarian type stuff..and new age items. And new age waitresses, I might add. They seemed to be very high on something that didn't allow their brains to connect to the fact that I wanted a little honey mustard sauce for my veggie burger. I didn't think that was asking for too much. After all, it was on the menu.

Once again, I was wrong. Silly me.

After waiting patiently for a bit, David mentioned that perhaps I might need to ask again..cause the honey mustard didn't seem to be making an appearance. So (very politely, I might add) I went up to the waitress to ask AGAIN for my honey mustard. She seemed quite puzzled by my request (once again) and looked at me as if I was a native of Pango Pango.  But my little bit of honey mustard was finally delivered, and we finished our lunch. I was a little worried about the waitresses, and how they were able to manage serving customers and to handle money at the same time. But it takes all kinds of people to make a world.

We then went down the round-about again, and visited this shopping area in which David found some very unique tables to take to his baby castle. We wandered through art galleries and shops, and then carted the tables to his truck. I am very proud of the fact I didn't drop the one I was carrying. That would have been a bad thing to do. I don't think David would have allowed me back in the truck for the ride home if I had done so.

We left Sedona, headed back to Flagstaff (love that place) and made our way home, through gale force type winds that made driving a bit tricky, to say the least. Due to the gale force winds, there were some accidents involving huge trucks that overturned, so our ride back to Albuquerque took a bit longer than we thought.

We did stop again at the El Rancho Hotel in Gallop, where we both had enchiladas, and talked about the difference in the clientele in Sedona versus the very eclectic group in the El Rancho Hotel.  The cowboy like person at the table next to us kept winking at me...or perhaps he had dust in his eyes from the gale like wind/sand storm from the highway.

On our way out, we checked out the band that was playing in the lounge for a Saint Patrick's type of party. All I can say about them definitely is that they were loud and sang with great fidelity...loudly.

After all, when  you are drinking, the music sounds better as you drink. Or not.

We finally returned to David's house wayyyy past my bedtime, and he helped me load up my car, and I headed to my small home in the Outlands of Rio Rancho.

You may now breathe a sigh of relief.  This concludes my first trip outside of New Mexico since I left the "bubble".

Hope it's not the last. Thanks, David.