Accepting it all

Tomorrow will be the sixth anniversary of Reid's death. Six years seems like a very long time ago, or just a blink of an eye. I mean, our kindergarteners at Colinas were born the year Reid died. When you stop to think about that, it is an amazing thing. Or not.

I read a lot of books after Reid died. A lot. I am sure that the stock in Amazon went up substantially with all the books on grief and losing a child that I bought. And all the books spoke about the stages of grief. You know,

•  Denial ( I am the queen of that) 
• Anger (I think I skipped that part, although I did ask a lot why it would happen to Reid, and not to the axe murderers of the world) 
• Bargaining (If only I kept him up and hadn't been sleeping, if only I had a defibrillator handy) 
• Depression (I think that was the laying in bed part and watching "What Not to Wear")
• And Acceptance.

I think I'm there now. I think about him, and my heart just slightly breaks. I watch the band play at the high school, and I can smile when I see the tubas. I make spaghetti, and think of it all over his face as a small boy.  I watch his good friends grow into men, and my heart doesn't twist the way it used to at the "what could have been". 

It's the way it is in my world now. He will always be missing in my world, but that is the way it is. He has always been my heart, and he is still in it.  I find the things that give me joy, and I can feel joy.  I watch a butterfly doing a backflip in the sky, and I know he is there. And now when I see two, I know that his dad is doing backflips along with him. (except I think Reid is a bit faster at this point). 

Life does go on..and I am going on. The day Reid died, the sky was sunny and brilliantly blue. I used to think that was profoundly wrong on every level. And then, as I gained acceptance about his death, I realized that the sky was exactly the way it should have looked as heaven welcomed him in. After all, he made this world a better place..and I know wherever he is, he is making that a much better place as well. 

And doing amazing backflips. Love you always, Reid.