Danger, Danger, Will Robinson.

Have I mentioned to you that I am a slow learner?

Well, for those of you who don't have the pleasure of knowing me and all my quirks, I am. The obvious is not always obvious to me.  If there is a hard way to do something, I will find it.  And then when I see that I could have accomplished a task or project in 3.54 seconds, instead of 3.42 hours, I am always amazed.

In other words, common sense is not always present where I am. And no, I am not gifted. (Those of you who know me can stop laughing now).

I would like to mention that I think I am almost normal now in the world of dating. Well, as normal as you can be when you are dating.  I worry at times that perhaps I am too detached from connections with someone..which brings about an interesting question...

Am I actually exhibiting normal, healthy, adult behavior?
Or am I putting up barriers so I won't get hurt and can maintain some form of sanity?

Yes.

It is possible in life to be at a myriad of levels in becoming the person you were meant to be. Sometimes the levels inside your brain are healthy, and some levels are old defenses that pop up when you are threatened by a past that puts your mind on full scale alert.

Danger, Danger, Will Robinson.

As I have been actually participating in normal dating behavior that doesn't resemble scenes from Fatal Attraction, (and no, I was never that bad..I hope)  I have noticed a strange but important fact.

The closer I get to someone in a healthy relationship, the more I panic.

Danger, Danger, Will Robinson..or Defcon 4, or whatever it is when your mind goes into a state of defense and shuts down.

I have also noticed (please remember the slow learner part of me) that the closer I get to a normal dating relationship, the more dysfunctional my eating habits become.  This realization hit me a couple of weeks ago when I caught myself devouring a box of Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls, after a very happy date.  It makes no logical sense why I would implode a relationship, or hurt myself by unhealthy eating habits...that I know perfectly well how to fix.

Or perhaps it does make sense.

After my adventures in Crazy Land, I was determined that what happened to me with the Mayor would never,  NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, (did I mention never?) happen to me again. And I think that is smart.  You should learn from your mistakes. And when I make mistakes, I go big.

Sigh.

However, the result from my determination is that my psyche also somehow decided that it would help to make sure I didn't get hurt by ..well, just not participating in dating activities that could make hurt a possibility. So for all my complaining and whining that I wasn't a star in the dating world, my inside was rejoicing. ("Yippee! We can't go through this again, so let's help Laura drive yet another poor guy away)".

At least I think that's what my brain was saying to the rest of me.

So now that I am dating someone, and things are getting closer for me, I am terrified. Because I absolutely can not go through this again. My little brain is putting out all kinds of brain stuff that is telling me to run like the wind, hide in my house, push away any kind of warmth that could be intimate.

This is a big problem.

Of course I don't want my life to be this way. My head is telling me so. All resources tell me so. But the heart part of me just doesn't want to have any part of this yet.  Just like when Reid died,  it's the head/heart connection.   My head knew he was gone, but my heart was absolutely broken. And will always be, on some level. And it took a bit for my heart and head to get together to figure that out. Kind of.

So now I have to work on being brave, putting away past hurts, and moving forward to the life and relationships that I deserve.  My head knows that it's possible, that I will have to take a chance in anything wonderful in life, that I need to tear down those walls I am so good at putting around my heart.

Just hope my heart cooperates.