Sometimes days are just like that...and random thoughts in October.

Our school has been without a working voice mail system for a while. When I say for a while, I mean since last spring. This has been an issue because the voice mails somehow get out there in "voice mail land". They must take a trip to Disney World, perhaps spend the day at the beach, and somehow end up in voice mail boxes a couple of days later. This has made any kind of credibility that we have in being responsive quite difficult....but everyone has been understanding for the most part when we try to explain messages are taking some kind of TransSiberian Train ride before they come to our phones.

We finally got new phones on Monday. This was very exciting, because new stuff is just...well, new, and a bit different, and new phones have absolutely nothing to do with data or test score improvement. This is a nice diversion sometimes.   The phones are quite hip and trendy, and come with all kinds of digital buttons and screens and features that most of us have no idea what to do with at the moment.  And we can't use the intercom system, because they have to some how magically sync the phones with the intercom system. However, the new phones do have a paging system that will let you page and make announcements over the phone. All this feature has done so far is scare our staff members half to death. One of our fifth grade teachers typically keeps his phone in his room closet (no comment here about that :) and he said that it was a little disturbing the other afternoon to hear my voice coming out of his closet.  It doesn't take much to entertain us at Colinas.

Along with the phones, we had a deadline today in which the teachers would turn in their Professional Development Plans (or PDPs ) to us. Since today was the last day, I spent most of my time in meetings going over these plans with individual teachers. And it rained. All day. In New Mexico, we need the rain...but having rain leads to inclement weather day..which leads to fear and dread among teachers and staff. Let's just say that children do best when they are outdoors during recess, running amok. ( I love the word amok. Don't ask me why. It is a word that is applicable to many things and situations).


As in:


1. Tila is running amok. This is a normal occurrence.
2. My brain is running amok. Also a normal occurrence.
3. My shoes are running amok. Why is it that you are always looking for a pair of shoes...and one is always missing? Do they hate you?  Do they get together in the middle of the night in your closet and decide to hide to drive you crazy in the morning at 5:00 am? (The fact that most likely Tila has run off with one of them doesn't factor into this. In fact, Tila found one buried in the cushions of a wing chair in my bedroom after a YEAR..yes, a year does not factor into this). This of course, was after I had given up all hope and purchased another pair that were similar to them.

The rain also happened during the Albuquerque Balloon Fiesta. This is one of the biggest and best events if you live in Albuquerque, and it ALWAYS leads to wind and rain. ALWAYS. It hadn't rained in months, but it chose to rain 2 or 3 days straight because you guessed it...the Balloon Fiesta was in town. Makes you wonder if God has a bit of a sense of humor. Well, of course God has a sense of humor. He gave someone the idea for the Chia Pet.

Have a Sunday where your world isn't going amok. ;-)

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Are you a Good Witch? Or A Bad Witch?

I always loved watching the Wizard of Oz growing up. This was of course back when it only came on once a year..and it was a BIG deal. It was usually on Sunday nights..and my sisters and I would sit on the floor, filled with anticipation and dread. I loved the first part of the movie..Ms. Glitch on her bike (da da da da da da daaa.) the tornado spinning the house in Oz, the Munchkins, the Scarecrow, The Lion, and the Tin man.


And then there was the Wicked Witch of the West. (shudder)


I did not like the latter part..especially the flying monkeys and The Wicked Witches' henchmen.  I really got upset when the flying monkeys tore the scarecrow apart..and when the henchmen said that chant. (ooo eee oooo eeee ooooo aaa). But the Wicked Witch did melt at the end, Dorothy figured out that she already had everything she needed where she was, and the Tin Man did get his heart..although he had it anywho.


This sounds suspiciously like my life, I might add.


Just like the movie, I was looking forward to this school year with anticipation and dread. Anticipation because I love the group of people that I work with...dread because things were changing and moving faster than the tornado did that lifted Dorothy's house off to Oz.


It looks like we're not in Kansas anymore, either.


I knew this year would be harder on everyone. We had staffing cuts, due to budget and to our school population. For the first time since I've become the principal, we were forced to combine grade levels..so that our class sizes wouldn't reach 35 or 40. We have Special Education teachers working with different grade levels, and even some General Education teachers doing the same.  Our district has always been a huge proponent of lower class sizes and staffing so that our children get the maximum support. With the budget shrinking faster than the Tin Man's heart, this was not possible this year. And things had to change.


And no one likes the changes much, I might add.


Since I've been in administration, I have noticed ebbs and flows in a school year. It always seems like there is a HUGE dip in November. ...and then again in the spring, especially when there is a long stretch between breaks. This year, we have hit the dip in September...which is scary. Everyone is working hard, stretched to their limit, and exhausted. On top of less staff and support, we are expected to do target more specific needs, and perhaps do a backflip to show that we can juggle data, support families that are also struggling to stay afloat, and have some semblance of a personal life.


I have always been a person who likes it when people are happy and content. (Amazingly enough, there are actually people that don't like it when people are happy..but that's another story).  The staff that work at Colinas work harder than anyone I know..and they have a level of excellence that they expect to stay at each year..but this year is different entirely.


And I didn't know what to do.


I LIKE to know what to do..it's the teacher in me, it's the people pleaser in me..it's me. I like it when people are happy and content. In short, I  have visions of being a shorter, darker haired version of the Glinda, the Good Witch.

Silly me.


This year, I have had to be more direct than I have ever had to be. Ever. Because of the expectations that are coming from the state; and also because we want to make sure that every child has the support that they need..and that we give the support that is needed for both the students and the staff to do so.  Part of this I agree with...we do need to look at data and best practices to ensure we are doing the right things for our kids..and back our ideas with solid data and best practices. Part of this I don't agree with..constraints and guidelines that don't make logical sense, and most importantly, aren't fair to the students and the teachers.


All of the above made me feel at times as if I was now the very person I was terrified of each year...

This of course, will not do. At all. She definitely has bad hair care.


All of this left me exhausted and befuzzled and sad. I wasn't sure what I could do to make it better for everyone...since the circumstances weren't going to change..or to help everyone...because of course I like to be helpful. 


And then I started to think. This of course is in conjunction with the books that I've been reading about how to stay present in the "now"...how to be the person you want to be..even though everything around you is not what you want it to be. 


I have the power to change that. I do have the power to change one thing. I can't change the circumstances of this year, or what is going on in my life (like where in the world is Mr. Right...or Mr. Kinda almost Right) but I can change my attitude about how I feel.  Our very wise counselor at Colinas (who actually IS
our Glinda, the Good witch) told me a quote by Victor Frankl, which says, " Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. " 


I can choose my response to all this. I can choose to face the circumstances, but still respond in the way that  is positive and affirming. I can choose to come to school each day..and face my life each day with making the very best responses I can in the very best of difficult circumstances. And in doing so, perhaps there is a chance that I can still do the job I was hired to do...and support the people that I care about. 


I have the power.

I think I'm buying the wall hanging above for Christmas presents..or maybe putting it on T-shirts. :)

Honesty...just saying.

You would think that I would learn. You would think that the "Life Lessons of Laura Moore" should have advanced by now to a more fine tuned, metaphysical, world renowned me. (Although I am now famous at the local Starbucks because someone caught me in a weak moment and took my picture. I would rather have my nails pulled off than take a picture. Well, let me rethink that one...but you know what I mean). This just goes to show you that I spend far too much time at Starbucks. However, that's another story for another time.

I have mentioned before that people usually convey what they are. (Please refer back to the story about the Mayor and his distain for lying).  If you are a person that likes to cheat and run around on your spouse/significant other/sweetie pie...then you are going to think that everyone else does that too. Hopefully you are not that person. Please don't tell me if you are. I really don't want to know that. I think if you are fortunate enough to have a spouse/significant other/sweetie pie..it is a good idea to show commitment to said sweetie pie.

I am also finding out (in the latest installment of my Life lesson journey) that people will also convey things to you that they are not. Perhaps they wish they were that. Perhaps someone told them they were that. Perhaps they had a fleeting glimpse of what it would be like to be that...and they are holding on to that glimpse like Tila holds on to one of my new shoes. I don't know. But here is the deal.

I don't get why honesty is such an issue.

Now don't get me wrong...I don't have a halo around my head. I have not been truthful myself at times. I don't think anyone is entirely truthful. But it never continues to amaze me how people can spin webs around themselves, trapping themselves in lies..when it would be so much easier on everyone if they had put on their big boy/girl pants and just told the truth in the first place.

Lack of honesty is a slippery slope. Once you start down that hill, it is very hard to get back up to the top again. And it's hard to keep up with what you say...and then what you said after that. This leads to puzzled looks on faces...and those who do have good memories remember the variation in facts. And sometimes, there are people who choose NOT to hear the lies..or the stories that change faster than the innings when your baseball team is not so....well, not so stellar.  I lived that way for a long time. It was easier to ignore the discrepancies than face the real truth.

So here is the deal again.

People who spend a lot of time telling you who they are, and what they are about...usually are the opposite  of what they are saying.

If you are nice and kind, it is just best to be that..rather than telling others you are that.

If you are a BFL (big fat liar for those of you who don't know me well) it is best to get a notebook to keep up with what you say to others. After all, if lack of integrity is your deal, it is best to show fidelity in doing so.

Just saying.

The "Letting Go" Thing

I am happy to announce that I am now going through more than one paragraph a day of the Eckart Tolle book. After tutorial instructions from my friend who is fond of the Chefs..

I am now zipping through "The Power of the Now". However, keep in mind that zipping means in this case I can get through the main idea of it all. I will say this is a book where bits and pieces pop out at you. They are minute bits and pieces at this point, but some things are making sense just the same.

One thing Mr. Tolle (I don't think it is respectful to call him Eckart at this point) is talking about in my morning selection of his book is that in order to live in the "Now", you have to let go of the control and by doing so, you will accumulate more than you could have even dreamed of having.

As I read this passage, I realized that I (yes, small, anxiety ridden  me) had actually done this...and it worked!

(Skies opening, angels singing, birds tweeting, my personal angels going "Woot Woot" that I FINALLY got something).

When I was trying to purchase my house, there were many obstacles along the way. The biggest one was that the money that I was supposed to get in the house that the Mayor and I owned together was being withheld from me for various reasons; the major one (I imagine) was that he did not want me to have it.

This was an issue, for without this money, there would not be a house for me. However, to be honest, I was very happy at my peaceful "Recovery House", and I wasn't really focusing on the fact that I might not be able to get it.

The house was supposed to be ready in August, and there were some crucial papers that the Mayor HAD to sign to prove that my name was no longer on the mortgage that we shared together. This obviously was a law written somewhere in "How to Buy a House" land. But to do this, I had to go talk to them (which I would not do for my sanity and safety) or he had to sign them. (Which he would not do. This should not have surprised me..and didn't really).

So I told the real estate people that I could do no more to make sure that they had all the signatures that they needed...and if they wanted me to get the loan, they would have to figure out a way to make this work. And then I hung up the phone, and went home to walk Kitty. After all, one must have priorities.

In short, I let the situation  go, and threw it out there in the cosmos of life. I didn't obsess about what would happen if I didn't get it. I didn't worry about what could happen to the small investment I had already made.

To repeat....I let the situation  go. Mr. Tolle says you don't have problems (unless you are living in the future or the past) you have situations.

(Skies opening again, angels doing back flips along with Reid, and reporting to God that perhaps they could drop their platoon of angel surveillance a bit on me. I imagine monitoring me takes angels working overtime).

And guess what happened?

Well, if you know me, you know what happened, because I am now sitting in the house of which I let go of the problem. (oops, I mean situation).

It does work. :)

The Now of the Now.

Have I ever mentioned I am a good reader?

I LOVE to read. I have read a lot most of my life. I read when I dry my hair..I read when I am sitting on the toilet. I read when I am eating any kind of meal alone. (Don't tell our librarian that..you are not supposed to eat while you read).

I have always been a speedy reader as well. This has its advantages and disadvantages. When I was in Mrs. Sexton's class in the sixth grade, I would read a passage..finish..look around..and see that I was the first one done. Then I would read it over again since I didn't want the teacher to think that I hadn't read the book. And maybe read it again if others were still reading. I didn't want to get in trouble, or look like I wasn't doing what I should be doing, for goodness sakes.

Since I read quickly, and skim along the way (The Evelyn Wood Speed Reading program  has nothing on me). I do miss details. This makes rereading again a pleasure, because I find out new facts that I missed the first time. For example, I missed the whole Harry Potter versus Lord Voldemort flying scene...but to be honest, I don't think it was in the book in the first place. I might add that I have very skilled comprehension for someone who flies along the pages. I am sure I am over a DRA 50.

 When Reid died, I was lucky if I could read a page at a time at all. The anchor that had been my whole life fell apart as well. I would pick up a book..start to read a page..the letters would get all scrambly..and then I would put down the book and go to sleep. The whole foundation of my life was betraying me. Very unfair.

Now it's five years after his death (holy cow) and I can read again. I still don't have the stamina that I used to have for reading, but bits and pieces of this part of my life are coming back. And because I am learning life lessons...and the things I need to learn..I encounter people that are helping me on my way. That's the way the Life Lesson World is, I have discovered.

I think I was meant to read the Eckert Tolle "The Power of Now" because A: I was given it as a gift several years ago by a colleague who obviously could see I needed its wisdom, and B: A friend  recommended it. It's kind of when you go to a store or a restaurant..and there is a parking space right up front by the building. That is a sign you are supposed to be there.  (in the world of me, that is).  So I felt that I should be reading this book, by the actions of the time-space continuum around me.

But Holy Cow.

This book is not a book you can skim through. Not at all. I am STILL on chapter one, and I've read it for five days now. In fact, I am not even off the fifth page of Chapter One.  Mr. Tolle is VERY deep and very wise. In fact, he is so wise...I have to keep reading the words in a paragraph several times just to get the meaning..and then I have to think about the meaning and the sentences before I can continue to the next paragraph.

I think I need a "Eckert Tolle Book for Dummies".

However, I am getting some bits and pieces of what he is trying to say to my very muddled brain. It's that you have to let go of the past..and not worry about the future. I have done some really hard brain work of letting go of the past. It was really hard work, I might add. I blamed myself for everything..so ending up in Crazy Land, for putting my children through pain, for disappointing others..the list was long. I did finally realize that I did make the best decisions that I could at the time. I am a good and a wonderful person to be around..and that the past, and the lessons that I have learned from it, have taught me what to do (and not to do) and to keep myself fairly grounded.

The future part is still an issue with me, however.

I do like to think about what my life will be like..and what I want it to be like. But those two factors really have nothing to do with what it is at the moment. Because the moment of the now is the only now that I know. (Try to say that quickly two times). But it's true. I do have moments where the joy of the moment, and all it entails, takes my breath away. I have those now moments when I walk the dogs...when I see a student smile at me...when a staff members confides in me...when Miss Pam's two grandsons run and put their arms around me. I felt it last week when a friend was sitting on my couch with his arm around me. It's like when you are home.

But I am scared of those moments, to be honest. I am terrified that they will be snatched away..and the pain of it all will put me back to where I was when I was missing my son with every fiber of my body, and wishing that my mom was alive. And that's what the now is all about..to enjoy what you have while you are having it..and not to think about when it could end, or if someone could change their mind about you.

I hope I get to that part of the book soon.

A New Skill Set

I was reading a Facebook post this morning that talked about how on Facebook relationships are always perfect, people have these great lives, full of exciting adventures and great attitudes.

Just to let you know, I am not that typical Facebook person.

I do need to make a couple of things clear before I launch into this rambling episode of "How the Bubble Turns."

1. I know I am a great person.
2. I know I have a lot to offer someone.
3. I know that there are things about me that need to be improved..and trust me, the list is long.
4. I really(for the most part) like who I am.
5. I now know that not everything that happens in the world is my fault. I have stopped taking responsibility (for the most part) of how people feel and react. (As if I could have controlled that anywho).

But I am learning a lot. Again. Sigh.

I like things neat and tidy. I always have. I like to know what is coming down the road. I like to know that step A leads to step B. I like to think that when someone tells you something, they really mean it.

However, none of the above is true all the time.

Several things happened this week to make it a "Perfect Storm" in terms of how I took a detour in my positive road of the path of life. I kind of slid into the marsh lands of "the slime"  of life.  It is kind of when  right after Reid died...I would feel as if the Monster from the Black Lagoon would reach up and grab me, twisting my insides so hard that I  felt like I had been through a Coffee press..with little pieces of me left behind. Each one in themselves wouldn't have been so bad, but all of them together were not helpful.

What the things were are not important at this point,  (except that when you are exhausted, going to sleep is helpful) but what I need to realize is this. This life in which I am meeting new people, and searching to find someone to share my life with is a whole new skill set for me. Like anything that you are doing, you don't do it well at first. And it doesn't flow from step A to step B as easily as I would like it to flow.  And even when it does do that, the flow of what you want to happen can stop...or change directions...or turn you upside down. I'm not so resilient in this area as I am in other areas of my life. I need to recognize this about myself, and really work on how to take care of myself, yet not lose the pieces of me that make up me.

At school we are working on Essential Standard plans, in which you look at a specific area that needs improvement (according to data, of course) and design a plan for how you will improve and get to proficiency in that area. I guess I need a plan as well for how I will handle my new skill set..except the only "data" I have are the life lessons that I keep learning each and every day. There is not a "life map" for me..except that I need to stay who I am, keep learning, and remember that each day brings new exciting adventures and opportunities for me to learn...again.

Dang it. :)

The Tall and Short of it all.

I had two grandmothers. (Well, I guess everyone has two grandmothers, unless they are an amoeba or something of that nature). One grandmother was well off, taught me how to hold my little pinkie up while drinking tea, and was very tall. The other grandmother lived in Yanceyville, NC, made the best lemon pound cake in the world, and was very short.

I know that it is hard for anyone that knows me now  to believe, but ask anyone that I went with to Kirkman Park Elementary School, and they will tell you I was one of the tallest girls in the fifth and sixth grade. I was even on the back row for class pictures..and you know you are tall when you are on the back row. Everyone thought I would be very tall, just like my tea drinking grandmother.

Oops.

It turned out that my growth spurt was during those two glorious back row years.  And that was it. I achieved my present height of 5'2 (and a half) when I was in the sixth grade...and there I stayed. Just like my pound cake making grandmother.

My lack of height has never bothered me, really. In fact, it kind of bothers me when someone is actually shorter than I am. Don't ask me why. I can't tell you.

When I first began teaching, I was 23, short, and working in a middle school of all places. I have a theory that I should never teach anyone taller than I am..and that kind of rules out anyone above the fourth grade. But this was my first teaching year, and everyone knows you take what you can take to become a teacher..because after that you can always maneuver around to a position that is a better fit for you.  The only problem that I had with that first year is that the other teachers kept trying to get me out of the hall to go to class....not my classroom, because they thought I was a student, not a teacher. It took several months for them to get this fact, and even after they figured it out, I still got looks like I was on the wrong planet or something.

In my years as an primary elementary teacher, my height was never a problem. In fact, it is a bonus. You can sit on the floor quickly, get up faster (not as much height to get up with) and it's easy to talk to children on their level because...well,  you are on their level.

Then I became an assistant principal. My height really wasn't an issue then, either, because in the world of children, I was not the "real" principal. In fact, I'd be talking to a child about some kind of issue, and they would stop suddenly, give me a stern look, and ask if I was the "real" principal. I would explain that the real principal was busy at the moment, and I was helping her out until she got back from doing "real principal" like things.  (not sure what they are, but I am sure that they exist).

When the Rio Rancho District became desperate and hired me as an actual principal, my height became a factor. In an elementary student's world, taller equals more important...or something to that effect. It is also interesting to note that the same equation exists in the elementary parent mind as well.

Robert,who is the assistant principal at Colinas,  has been in administration longer than I have. And he is one of the most observant men I know. "The Book of Abney" has saved us from many disasters, and our working relationship is one that I really treasure. We kind of balance each other. Don't ask me why about this either. I don't know why, but I am thankful that we do.

Robert is also 6'7...or as his wife says, 5'19. Needless to say, he is very tall. This factor is very useful at an elementary school. He walks out of his office to talk to one of our students, and their eyes bug out of their sockets. This works with parents as well. He has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know, but when you first view him in the upper hemisphere, it can be intimidating.


I have never viewed myself as being "In charge". It takes a lot of people to run a school, and I am just one of the many people there that make Colinas the school that it is. But to a lot of the children, Robert is in "the principal". The rationale is that he is tall, I am short, and that is all there is to that. This leads to many interesting conversations with children:

Child: "Ms. Moore, when did you become the principal this year?"
Me: " I've been the principal since you've been at Colinas." (This is his fifth year at Colinas).
Child: "But when did Mr. Abney stop being the principal and become the assistant principal?"
Me: "We are both principals."
Child: "But Mr. Abney was the real principal."
Me: "He is a real principal, and so am I. I think it's time for you to go outside and cause havoc on the playground." (Now I really didn't say the second sentence, but I thought it).  :)

So the "Real" principal and I will keep on doing what we do, and somehow balancing out each other. I looked at a picture of the two of us at the annual ice cream social the other day. Actually, I had a really hard time seeing me in the picture, because all that was visible was the top of my head, and my eyes. It takes skill to get a picture of the two of together.

But that's ok. Between the two of us, I think we make a normal person. And a pretty good team.