The Now of the Now.

Have I ever mentioned I am a good reader?

I LOVE to read. I have read a lot most of my life. I read when I dry my hair..I read when I am sitting on the toilet. I read when I am eating any kind of meal alone. (Don't tell our librarian that..you are not supposed to eat while you read).

I have always been a speedy reader as well. This has its advantages and disadvantages. When I was in Mrs. Sexton's class in the sixth grade, I would read a passage..finish..look around..and see that I was the first one done. Then I would read it over again since I didn't want the teacher to think that I hadn't read the book. And maybe read it again if others were still reading. I didn't want to get in trouble, or look like I wasn't doing what I should be doing, for goodness sakes.

Since I read quickly, and skim along the way (The Evelyn Wood Speed Reading program  has nothing on me). I do miss details. This makes rereading again a pleasure, because I find out new facts that I missed the first time. For example, I missed the whole Harry Potter versus Lord Voldemort flying scene...but to be honest, I don't think it was in the book in the first place. I might add that I have very skilled comprehension for someone who flies along the pages. I am sure I am over a DRA 50.

 When Reid died, I was lucky if I could read a page at a time at all. The anchor that had been my whole life fell apart as well. I would pick up a book..start to read a page..the letters would get all scrambly..and then I would put down the book and go to sleep. The whole foundation of my life was betraying me. Very unfair.

Now it's five years after his death (holy cow) and I can read again. I still don't have the stamina that I used to have for reading, but bits and pieces of this part of my life are coming back. And because I am learning life lessons...and the things I need to learn..I encounter people that are helping me on my way. That's the way the Life Lesson World is, I have discovered.

I think I was meant to read the Eckert Tolle "The Power of Now" because A: I was given it as a gift several years ago by a colleague who obviously could see I needed its wisdom, and B: A friend  recommended it. It's kind of when you go to a store or a restaurant..and there is a parking space right up front by the building. That is a sign you are supposed to be there.  (in the world of me, that is).  So I felt that I should be reading this book, by the actions of the time-space continuum around me.

But Holy Cow.

This book is not a book you can skim through. Not at all. I am STILL on chapter one, and I've read it for five days now. In fact, I am not even off the fifth page of Chapter One.  Mr. Tolle is VERY deep and very wise. In fact, he is so wise...I have to keep reading the words in a paragraph several times just to get the meaning..and then I have to think about the meaning and the sentences before I can continue to the next paragraph.

I think I need a "Eckert Tolle Book for Dummies".

However, I am getting some bits and pieces of what he is trying to say to my very muddled brain. It's that you have to let go of the past..and not worry about the future. I have done some really hard brain work of letting go of the past. It was really hard work, I might add. I blamed myself for everything..so ending up in Crazy Land, for putting my children through pain, for disappointing others..the list was long. I did finally realize that I did make the best decisions that I could at the time. I am a good and a wonderful person to be around..and that the past, and the lessons that I have learned from it, have taught me what to do (and not to do) and to keep myself fairly grounded.

The future part is still an issue with me, however.

I do like to think about what my life will be like..and what I want it to be like. But those two factors really have nothing to do with what it is at the moment. Because the moment of the now is the only now that I know. (Try to say that quickly two times). But it's true. I do have moments where the joy of the moment, and all it entails, takes my breath away. I have those now moments when I walk the dogs...when I see a student smile at me...when a staff members confides in me...when Miss Pam's two grandsons run and put their arms around me. I felt it last week when a friend was sitting on my couch with his arm around me. It's like when you are home.

But I am scared of those moments, to be honest. I am terrified that they will be snatched away..and the pain of it all will put me back to where I was when I was missing my son with every fiber of my body, and wishing that my mom was alive. And that's what the now is all about..to enjoy what you have while you are having it..and not to think about when it could end, or if someone could change their mind about you.

I hope I get to that part of the book soon.