I was raised to be a person pleaser. Well, actually, no one really intended for me to be that way, but when you live with a mom who is an alcoholic, you learn to walk a tight rope in doing the right thing, saying the right thing, and trying to maneuver things so that they stay "normal" and pleasant.
When I was in school, I was the same way. I wanted to be the best..the best grades, be in the best clubs, do the best. And annoyingly enough, that didn't happen the way I wanted it to all the time. I was on the school newspaper, the orchestra, service clubs, student council, you name it.. I wanted to be liked and involved. And damn it, I was. Teachers liked me, my friends liked me, and an occasional boy did as well.
Because of said boys, I spent a lot of time apologizing to their parents (and to my friends as well) for my mother's drinking problem. My mom called a LOT of my friends' parents when she drank. It was amazing how she did that, actually. And she wasn't pleasant when she did so. At all.
So fast forward through my married years with Whitney and Reid's dad, where I don't think I apologized a lot. (I apologize to those of you who know that I did..hee hee) and then I went into Crazy Land. Where I spent a LOT of time apologizing. For everything. And anything. I apologized if dinner was late. I apologized if I forgot to pay a bill. I apologized for not calling when I should have. I apologized for things I didn't even do. Because it seemed as if apologizing was the one thing that would keep things on an even playing field. Of course, this was silly, because it never worked.
When I exited to the suburbs of Crazy Land, I was still in the habit of apologizing. After all, it was part of my daily vocabulary and demeanor. One thing that went along with the apologizing deal was the fact that I felt really guilty about things. I should do the "right" things. I had a "right thing" encyclopedia in my head, and just like my teenage years, there I would do categorizing in my head what was the good thing to do. Of course, this would lead to people liking me, would it not?
This also led to me being sad and depressed.
This, I might add, is not a good thing for the soul.
Then Reid died.
Now I know I have mentioned to you before that I will never understand the reasons for Reid's death. People offer suggestions of why, I tell them politely that they are dead wrong, and that is the end of that. But I will say a couple of things that were the result of the catastrophic event that really changed my life.
I really didn't have a lot of time at first to worry about how I was appearing to others..if I was doing the "right" things..if I was acting the "right" way and all of that. I remember that the Saturday after Reid died, the neighbors in our neighborhood did a very lovely thing. They put together a bench in memory of Reid. And on a very sunny morning, they were planning to bring it up to give it to our family.
Which was very lovely of them, except all I really wanted to do was stay in bed, or read a book, which I really could not read. Focus issues, you know. So I said so to the Mayor.
That did not go well at all. Did I not know that I should go out and thank them? Did I not know that they all had done a very generous thing? Did I not know that I would seem ungrateful if I didn't make an appearance? Did I not know that this was not like me at all?
Really? What was like me at all anymore? Did anyone not know that my whole world had exploded? Did anyone not know that I could barely move, knowing that my son would never do pretend back flips ever again?
But I did the right thing..I went outside, I thanked everyone, we all posed for pictures, in which I managed to smile. Then I went back inside and crawled back into bed.
I remember thinking that the one thing that would happen during the first year after Reid's death was that I would have the luxury of doing anything I could do, and no one would give me grief about it. Except for who know who. So I did. I began to take care of myself, because in all honesty, it was all I could actually handle at the moment. Whitney was at UNM, and The Mayor was capable of taking care of himself...so that left me handling me. Well, kind of handling me.
It was hard work to stop apologizing. Really. I had to literally stop myself in my head when I would apologize for something so trivial that the one I would be apologizing to would look puzzled to why I was doing so. And even harder work to stop feeling guilty about it. And to realize limits and boundaries about what I could handle, and what I could not. And not feel badly when I couldn't do what I was "expected" to do.
This week, one of our teachers lost her father very unexpectedly. And she was devastated, for their family is very close, and still did so much together. She is a wonderful person, and I think so much of her. And my heart broke for her, for unfortunately, I know the feeling.
I have a very hard time at funerals, and going to them. This I think is understandable, because it opens up the floodgates for me of a time that I would rather not experience again. It is like climbing Mount Everest for me to go to one. I am exhausted and preoccupied with memories after I do. This is not helpful for building a "real and vivable " life. However, in my position, I am "expected" to do to these events.
But in this case, I do not do the "expected" thing.
I do talk to the person that has the loss. I do send a card, and make sure the school helps out in every way we can to support the person that has lost a loved one. I make sure that the person has the time and space he or she needs to get back to a "new normal."
I know that some people do not understand why I am not doing the "expected" thing..that they frown upon my lack of protocol in these circumstances. But this is something I am not going to apologize for...ever. I take care of the person that is grieving in my own way, and I also take care of me.
And by taking care of me, I am better suited to take care of others. It's amazing, but true.
Keep in mind I am a slow learner in the lessons of life..but I am learning. :)
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