The Wake Up Call

Have I mentioned I am often confused?

Well, it's really not true. I know what is (kinda) going on with me. But if you emulate being confused, you can stay away from the truth of what is going on at times.

I am really good at that. In fact, I excel at it. If there was a category for this, I would win. Hands down.

See, I'm even doing it again in this blog.

It's now been 6 and half years (well, 6 years and 9 months) since Reid died. That does sound like a long time..but I guess in grieving years, it's not. The big hole that Reid left is now more normal than it was. And that is the way life goes. You learn to deal and cope with what is in (and out) of your life. It doesn't make it ok, it just makes it more normal in your life.

Rats.

The other thing that has happened since the 6 years, 9 months since Reid left was that a lot of the old me left as well. That's the one that had to make sure everything was tidy, everything was in order, the me that went 108 miles an hour, and didn't stop to think about what was wrong or right.  I just did what I felt I was supposed to do. And I did things that I shouldn't have done.

I wish that I could tell you that I have reconciled myself to the fact that things are different.  For the most part, I have. But there are parts of me that have just lost focus.  And some parts just need to return.  But after Reid died, there was a lot of me that just didn't care anymore. And not in the sense of I didn't want to be in the world anymore. I do. I just didn't see the sense in a lot of it anymore.  And this one fact has caused some disturbance in the Laura time-space continuum.

But what to do about it?

When you don't see the sense in things, or the purpose of why you are in the world, it does cause problems. And when you add in the fact that sometimes I don't value myself as I should, there are issues. The biggest one being my weight. I know I need to lose weight. It is hard work to deny that you have a weight issue. I've gotten really good at just watching myself from the neck up, and avoiding the rest of me.  It's only when I allow myself to look at my profile that I realize the shape I've allowed myself to become.

It's not a pretty sight.

I have begun to realize (the clarity fighting it's way through the confusion) that I am protecting myself from many things. My weight allows me to stay safely in myself, keeping a real relationship from happening, because who would want to be with someone who resembles Alfred Hitchcock?  That's safe. My weight keeps me from really getting out and being physical  cause if I am overweight, I don't have to get hurt from attaching to someone who might find me special.

And this is really not ok.

Yesterday, I went to see Sam. Now for those of you who don't know, Sam was (and is) Reid's best friend. He is a great guy. I will never forget the first time I heard about Sam. Fifth grade Reid was sitting at the table, eating dinner, and telling us about this great guy he met, who could "break pencils across his forehead". And as you know, that qualifies as the highest form of flattery in the world of a fifth grade boy. Reid and Sam did lots of things together. Some safe, some not. (They were very fond of sticking my small dog, Abby, in the microwave..but they didn't turn it on. I think).  Where you saw Reid, you saw Sam. And visa -versa.  Sam was (and is) bright, and funny, and just an all around great person.

When Reid died, the person I worried about the most (besides myself and Whitney) was Sam. I knew he would be fine, but just like I worried about Whitney, I worried about how Sam would handle the loss of his goofy best friend.

I shouldn't have.

Sam is amazing. He sailed through high school, and although it was so great to see him, it was also so hard to see him. Cause Reid should have been with him, you know.  That has changed over the years, and now I can say that watching Sam and how he has lived his life brings me a lot of joy and peace.

He's now in his senior year at UNM, majoring in Exercise Science, working at Defined Fitness as a trainer, and is an amazing bodybuilder. Torturous Dave left me, (well, not just me) to go to Arizona to be with his daughter and his grandson, so I thought that perhaps Sam could be the one that could work with me on my continuing journey to be a better me.

I was in for a huge surprise.

You see, I forget sometimes that I mean as much to people as they do to me. Don't ask me why that is.  I just do. And it seems as if Sam had been wanting for a long time to help me and support me in getting to my goals.

Wow.

I met with him last Friday, and he took my basic physical information (I so dislike that part), and I answered questions about my levels of health, and why I wanted to do this exactly.  And then he did my body fat composition.

Holy Cow.

When you work hard on staying confused, unfocused, and fuzzy about what is going on, you can really trick yourself...although you really know.   but when I saw my body fat percentage, I was stunned.

But here's the thing.

Sam explained to me in his own special way that there were a lot of people who loved me and thought I was a beautiful person. He mentioned Whitney, who has lost 3/4 of her immediate family, and would have an extremely hard time recovering from the lost of her mom. But the most  startling thing was that he informed me that I had a lot of good years to live, and that people should see me looking just as beautiful on the onside as he thinks I am on the inside.   He said that right now I am a ticking time bomb, and that it would be the coolest thing if he could help me get to where I need to be before he goes off to Florida to work on his PhD.

I've got to tell you the part about the ticking time bomb really was a wake up call for me..along with the part that if I am so fortunate to have someone on my side that cares for me, wants the best for me, and is willing to help me make it happen...I've got to grab on with both hands and do what I need to do to get to where I need to be.

And to know that Reid is up there, tooting his tuba at random angels, happy that his best friend and his mom are still down here making things happen.

Thanks, Sam.