The Option

I've now been divorced and on my own for 4 years. Well,  4 years if you count the time I left my house and went on my homeless spring tour. That is a long time in the world of me to be alone. And things in my world of me are going well..except on the days they aren't, but that is the way the real world works.

And I have some things to think about. I think I thought I had thought about them...but obviously I have not, or I wouldn't be thinking about them now.

And if you could follow that rambling sentence, please read further. Or not.

The question of the day is this: What is enough? When is it time to say it's enough? When is it time to move on?

Oops...guess I should say "Questions of the day".

Life is full of options. Where you live, what you do, how you fill your days, your thoughts, who you have as friends, how you live your life, basically.

Which road you take..or the roads you don't take.

One of my friends once told me  that she had dated someone in which she was an "option". She told him that she was no one's "option"...she was "It".  And she didn't have anything to do with him after that, until he came to his male senses, and realized she was "It" for him.  And now they are living happily ever after.

In the four years that I've been on my own, I have dated several men. All pretty nice, none that worked out long-term...which is obvious, or I wouldn't be writing this now. I've gone from totally anxiety ridden to fairly realistic about life out there in the dating world of someone over 50. It's not for sissies, I might add.

At this point, I don't expect to be "It" for someone 2.34 days after I meet them, as I used to be in the past. My poor friends. I don't even expect to be "It" for someone 2 months after we meet, as I used to be in the past. I wonder if there are grants for friends who have to live through this process with you. There should be.

But there does come a point where you have to decide if you are fine with being an option, or knowing when it is time to let go...of the option.

I promised myself when I got out of Crazy land that I would be me, without secrets, without any games, for better or for worse. I would not settle.  I would not try to blame every dating disaster on myself..kind of like feeling responsible for global warming or tsunamis.

This mantra has worked for me most of the time.

A male friend of mine told me about an article one time that discussed signs in which a man was interested in a long term relationship with a woman. One of those signs was that a man who was very interested in a woman would not show any hesitation about introducing her to his friends and family.  I'm not sure if that is factual, but it does make sense to me.

I was very excited about a trip I took with a good friend. We are just friends..that's it. No physical intimacy, just nice times together. And that was fine for me.  But some pictures of the trip got to his family, and this caused a big stir...because they were told he was going on the trip alone, and he didn't want them all into his personal business.  So he deactivated his Facebook account, and I feel to blame.

But I'm not...really.

But I'm also not deserving of this kind of option.

I think the life lesson to learn in all this is realizing when it is healthy to stay...and when it is healthy to let go...and the boundaries that go with all that.

Yet one other kind of option.

I just hope I make the right option.