Monday, April 23, 2012

When the time is right...what is to be, becomes.

Yes, this is yet another blog about my dating experiences. Or lack thereof. If I am driving you crazy with this, just stop reading now. 

But I think you should read on. Just saying.

When I finished my Educational Specialist degree in Administrative Leadership (trying saying that fast three times) I started interviewing for assistant principal positions. Now this was the me that set a goal..wanted the goal..knew I could get the goal in 23.4 minutes. 

Silly Me.

Since I had been a teacher at the first school I interviewed at, everyone thought I would get the assistant principal position. Everyone. I mean, after all, didn't I work diligently and had great rapport with the staff and community? Everyone thought I would get it.

Everyone but the incoming principal, that is. 

After that first devastating job rejection, I went on to interview for assistant principal positions at four other schools. Each time I went in with great confidence and great hope. Each time I failed at getting the positions I had so much confidence and hope about. 

I was upset. After all, I had the qualifications for the jobs. After all, I had a lot of good experience and credibility in my field. And finally, I was supposed to get the positions that I applied for. I always had before. I didn't get it. I didn't get it at all. 

I was upset and twitching and all the things that you do when you are used to having things the way you want them and you don't get them.

And then it happened.

I interviewed for a sixth position, and I got the job. Now I will mention that there were some stumbling blocks about this process as well, but I did get the job. 

And (this will most likely not surprise you, but it did me) this was exactly the job that I was meant to get. Looking back, if I had gotten any of the other positions, it really wouldn't have been where I was meant to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing. 

So now here I am, going through the exhaustion and bewilderment that is the dating world of me. And just like the "Summer of rejection" as I liked to call it, the same things are happening to me with men that I meet and get to know. 

Except this time, the lines are a little different. They go like this:

" You are nice, but I've met the woman of my dreams".
"I have a great girlfriend now, but you are really nice".
"I really care about you, but not in the way that you want me to". 

And then my personal favorite.....



Yep, you are right...that big white space above this sentence  is the sound of silence.  The disappearing factor that some men excel at brilliantly. 


However, I did make a connection the other day between my summer of disappointment and trying to build a good relationship with a good man.  And it is this. When the time is right, what is to be, does become. The disappointments and heartbreaks and frustration and confusion teach you who you are, and help to mold you into a person that has a good sense of self..and what is right ..and what is settling.

So when the time is right...it will become for me. And it will for you, too. I promise. 

Let me know when it happens....cause it will. :)

Saturday, April 14, 2012

The "Push Me Pull You" deal


I do a lot of thinking in my car. Between pretending I am Christina Aguilera, and solving world peace in my head, it is amazing that I haven't run a red light or run into someone. We will not count the times that I have slightly swerved into the medium while thinking. Just slightly, I might add.


I know that this will surprise no one..and doesn't surprise me anymore that my thoughts while driving led to the chaos and exhaustion of the dating world.  I have read so many books, looked at so many "What You ..Yes, I Mean You, Are Doing Wrong in Dating", websites, and blogs about what you should do or shouldn't do. All this information is enough to send you fleeing to the woods (or here in New Mexico, the mesa) wondering who/what/ to listen to for help.


It's exhausting.


However, as much as I read..as much as I ask and listen to others... (and thank goodness once again for my friends who need some kind of humanitarian award for helping me) I am beginning to have a voice and a mind of my own about this stuff.



When I was little, there was a movie about Doctor DoLittle. Doctor DoLittle was a vet (I think)who knew how to speak various animal languages. He sets off from his village, which is Pubbleby-On-The-Marsh (best village name ever) in search of the Giant Pink Sea Snail. 




Yes, I know..this Pink Sea Snail doesn't look pink, and is very fake looking..but you have to remember, the original Doctor Dolittle movie was made in 1967.

Anywho, as Doctor DoLittle travels around the world looking for the fake pink snail, he meets a very unique animal....


Behold the  Pushmi-Pullyu .


The Pushmi-Pullyu is a funky mix between a llama and a gazelle..and whenever it starts to go somewhere, both the heads start to go in opposite directions. Now this could be an issue, it seems to me. 

But it also reminded me what relationships and the dating world can be like.

You knew I was coming to a point sometime, didn't you?

Although I have read this, and been told this, please keep in mind I am a slow learner. But it does seem as if one dating person pulls away, this causes the other dating person to push forward. Kind of a cause and effect thing.

We all seem to want what is out of our reach...

And when what we want is readily available, it's just not as enticing as it was when it was out of our reach. 

Now I know that eventually the pushing and pulling subsides, because people do get married and live together in a relationship type of thing. But it is just beyond me why you have to play the push you pull me game in order to keep someone interested in you. 

It's exhausting, dating is.  Guess I will have to keep a color coded flowchart of when I am supposed to push...and then when I pull.

Hmmmm, now this could have possibilities. 




Saturday, April 7, 2012

The Havelinas of Sedona

Now you may be wondering if my trip during Spring Break is ever going to end. Please keep in mind that this is the first vacation  trip that I have gone on outside New Mexico since 2005. Yes, I said 2005. So please indulge me if I go a little overboard in describing my vacation. And as we all know, I ramble. So there.

Now back to the final part of my story.

When we entered Sedona, the first thing that I noticed that the town sure did have a lot of red. Red dirt, red mountains, red mesas, red rocks...just red. It looks a lot like my friend Eileen's back yard in Jemez Springs. And also a lot like the red dirt in Georgia. Which just goes to show you that red dirt is everywhere. Well, at least everywhere that I seem to go.


It was really a perfect day. Just like in Flagstaff, you couldn't ask for a more perfect day to be outside. But unlike Flagstaff, the town was bustling with people that also thought that Sedona would be a wonderful place to be for the weekend. In a way, it was kind of like a southwesterny Myrtle Beach...but without the great homemade ice cream that they had in a little tiny store beside the highway.

The first order of business was business. We had another list of architects to visit, and so we set out to do so. We dropped off Lighting information to a man who seemed very busy and a bit annoyed, and then discovered a path that led back to a spectacular  view of the mountains/mesas. And it was so. I think people in this world miss so much not being out in the world. And just looking at it.

Oops, that's another story for another time.

After dropping off the required business materials, and finding out that my MapQuest app has a sense of humor (it led us in a circle of two miles to get to a place that we could have driven 500 feet to find) we drove though the round-abouts (what is it about roundabouts, anyway?) to this little shopping area on the southern (I think) side of Sedona.

I must mention here that I am making up the southern direction. I have NO idea which way we went to get there, except we went left from the roundabout, down the hill, and curved to the right. A good southern girl does not know directional terms.

We stopped at a little pub for lunch that had just opened, and sat on the patio and shared artichoke dip and pita bread. The view from the little patio was spectacular, and David spent time looking at Flagstaff literature on how he could move there.



The shopping center also had these great..ummmm, not sure what they were, but they are just amazing. A combination between a wind chime and fused glass..just unique and fun. Everyone should have one, although I am sure they are very expensive. Fun and amazing things usually are.




We walked around, looking through the galleries, and the shops, where David bought a very unique piece of art, and a mug for his friend, Ms. Cougar. We also went into a furniture/accessory store. It had a lot of things in it that would work well with the kind of lighting that David produces and sells. There was a very different futon bed that also called his name. It is hard work to accessorize a baby castle, I tell you.

After the oohing and the aahing in the stores, we proceded to the Bed and Breakfast we were staying in near Red Rock. I had never been to a Bed and Breakfast, so this was new for me. We pulled up in front of a blue house, that sat beside the rocks and the mesas and the view. It was definitely a view.



The Bed and Breakfast belonged to an older couple, which was also their home. It had a very definite "Georgia" type feel, with the ruffles, and the doilies, and the flowery beds. We chatted for a while with the owner, and then his wife came back from an errand. She struck me as a  weary type of person. Her eyes were so sad and worn out, and she moved with great effort. But they were both welcoming, and told us about the flora and the fauna in the area. They had birds chippering by the window, and roadrunners running around, and then they disclosed the most important animal of all...

Observe the awesome Havelina.

Now I have only read and heard about Havelinas. After all, there is the book, "The Three Little Havelinas" that I have read many time to my students. But I have never seen a real, live, in the piggy flesh type of one. So the possibility of getting to "meet" one was almost as good as Adam Levine handing me a Louis Vuitton purse and asking me to go to the Caribbean.

I mean after all, he is unattached at the moment. 

We decided (after unpacking and observing the birds) to go to dinner a bit early, so we could come back early, sit on their back patio, look at the stars, and share a bottle of wine. 

That kinda happened. 

We spent time at the restaurant..3 hours of time, actually. We ate and talked about anything and everything. I might add that when ever I wear white, for some reason, I tend to eat things that are a magnet for my white shirt. And why in the world I ordered linguine with clams and red sauce, I will never know. But I did. And you most likely know what happened to my pristine white shirt. 

Good thing it was dark when we left. 

When we returned back to the bed and breakfast, we decided to take a walk. The Bed and Breakfast couple were relaxing in their matching "Barc-a-loungers", watching NCAA basketball on TV when we were leaving. They looked at us like we had grown two heads and had a horn when we told them we were going out for a walk..in the dark. And no, we didn't need a flashlight.


It was an amazing night. No street lights were in the area, so it looked as if the stars were in a 3D movie..except this was real.  We walked for a couple of miles, and looked at this amazing house whose backyard had a massive mountain made of rock behind it. This led to discussion of how the owners protected their house (which had a lot of glass) from falling rock.  Perhaps I was talking about it, and David was silently shaking his head as I pondered the meaning of rocks and houses. 

On the way back, I decided to be wild and to run...down the middle of the road...on the yellow stripes. It reminded me of the times my sisters and my cousins would be sitting in the back of my aunt's station wagon, flapping our arms, and thinking that if we flapped hard enough, the car would fly. 

Nice to know there is still that part of me inside.

Unfortunately, the beautiful weather that had greeted us the last couple of days had come to an end. There was a massive snow and wind storm headed towards Sedona and Flagstaff, and if we stayed until Sunday, we would most likely get caught in it, and delay our return back home. 

That would not do. The world of Lighting can not exist without David in it.

So the next morning when we awoke, I was actually able to get ready for the day in a bathroom that had outlets...Thank goodness. While we were eating our breakfast of yummy waffles and strawberries, the main event arrived. 


This was the "quiet herd" as the owner of the Bed and Breakfast informed us. I guess there was a rowdy bunch that arrived at other times during the day. 13 of the Havelina crowd meandered into the backyard, and chomped contentedly on dog food and left over waffles.




I can not tell you how excited I was to see them upclose and personal. I know....I don't get out a lot.


Sadly, we packed our bags after the Havelina experience, and headed back up to Sedona to partake in a Sedona tourist tradition...

The Jeep tour ride.


Now, we did not take the "world famous" Pink Jeep tour. We took the ride with a Native American cowboy, who shared with us that he had four children with different partners, helped to build the "Pink Jeep" business..and then came back from California to help with the current business he was working at. He was a very informative type of man. Very good at sharing the flora and the fauna of the area as well..which makes sense, because it is a good thing to tell your jeep riders.

It was an unique experience. We bounced and tousled our way up to 7,000 feet of amazing Arizona splendor.  I might add that the cold front was beginning to come in, so it was getting a bit chilly. When we got to the "world famous tree", where all the pictures that represent Arizona were taken, I spotted....



Yes, another pine cone.  One must have priorities here.

David and the cowboy tour guide continued toward the tree, while I risked my life trying to reach for a pine cone without toppling over the edge of the cliff like thing we were perched on.

Ta-Duh! Success.

The view...although windy and chilly...was absolutely breathtaking. Words don't really describe it, so I won't.



After the tour guide cowboy helped me descend from the peak of the hill (he must have realized that I have balance issues) we descended back down from 7,000 feet to the town of Sedona. At the bottom of the hill, we passed a family, driving a Toyota type car. They stopped and asked our cowboy tour guide if their car would get damaged riding up the trail.

Even I knew that answer. Durf.

We thanked our Cowboy tour guide, I tried to fix my totally wind blown hair, and left to have lunch at this little vegetarian cafe, full of vegetarian type stuff..and new age items. And new age waitresses, I might add. They seemed to be very high on something that didn't allow their brains to connect to the fact that I wanted a little honey mustard sauce for my veggie burger. I didn't think that was asking for too much. After all, it was on the menu.

Once again, I was wrong. Silly me.

After waiting patiently for a bit, David mentioned that perhaps I might need to ask again..cause the honey mustard didn't seem to be making an appearance. So (very politely, I might add) I went up to the waitress to ask AGAIN for my honey mustard. She seemed quite puzzled by my request (once again) and looked at me as if I was a native of Pango Pango.  But my little bit of honey mustard was finally delivered, and we finished our lunch. I was a little worried about the waitresses, and how they were able to manage serving customers and to handle money at the same time. But it takes all kinds of people to make a world.

We then went down the round-about again, and visited this shopping area in which David found some very unique tables to take to his baby castle. We wandered through art galleries and shops, and then carted the tables to his truck. I am very proud of the fact I didn't drop the one I was carrying. That would have been a bad thing to do. I don't think David would have allowed me back in the truck for the ride home if I had done so.

We left Sedona, headed back to Flagstaff (love that place) and made our way home, through gale force type winds that made driving a bit tricky, to say the least. Due to the gale force winds, there were some accidents involving huge trucks that overturned, so our ride back to Albuquerque took a bit longer than we thought.

We did stop again at the El Rancho Hotel in Gallop, where we both had enchiladas, and talked about the difference in the clientele in Sedona versus the very eclectic group in the El Rancho Hotel.  The cowboy like person at the table next to us kept winking at me...or perhaps he had dust in his eyes from the gale like wind/sand storm from the highway.

On our way out, we checked out the band that was playing in the lounge for a Saint Patrick's type of party. All I can say about them definitely is that they were loud and sang with great fidelity...loudly.

After all, when  you are drinking, the music sounds better as you drink. Or not.

We finally returned to David's house wayyyy past my bedtime, and he helped me load up my car, and I headed to my small home in the Outlands of Rio Rancho.

You may now breathe a sigh of relief.  This concludes my first trip outside of New Mexico since I left the "bubble".

Hope it's not the last. Thanks, David.








Sunday, April 1, 2012

The Option

I've now been divorced and on my own for 4 years. Well,  4 years if you count the time I left my house and went on my homeless spring tour. That is a long time in the world of me to be alone. And things in my world of me are going well..except on the days they aren't, but that is the way the real world works.

And I have some things to think about. I think I thought I had thought about them...but obviously I have not, or I wouldn't be thinking about them now.

And if you could follow that rambling sentence, please read further. Or not.

The question of the day is this: What is enough? When is it time to say it's enough? When is it time to move on?

Oops...guess I should say "Questions of the day".

Life is full of options. Where you live, what you do, how you fill your days, your thoughts, who you have as friends, how you live your life, basically.

Which road you take..or the roads you don't take.

One of my friends once told me  that she had dated someone in which she was an "option". She told him that she was no one's "option"...she was "It".  And she didn't have anything to do with him after that, until he came to his male senses, and realized she was "It" for him.  And now they are living happily ever after.

In the four years that I've been on my own, I have dated several men. All pretty nice, none that worked out long-term...which is obvious, or I wouldn't be writing this now. I've gone from totally anxiety ridden to fairly realistic about life out there in the dating world of someone over 50. It's not for sissies, I might add.

At this point, I don't expect to be "It" for someone 2.34 days after I meet them, as I used to be in the past. My poor friends. I don't even expect to be "It" for someone 2 months after we meet, as I used to be in the past. I wonder if there are grants for friends who have to live through this process with you. There should be.

But there does come a point where you have to decide if you are fine with being an option, or knowing when it is time to let go...of the option.

I promised myself when I got out of Crazy land that I would be me, without secrets, without any games, for better or for worse. I would not settle.  I would not try to blame every dating disaster on myself..kind of like feeling responsible for global warming or tsunamis.

This mantra has worked for me most of the time.

A male friend of mine told me about an article one time that discussed signs in which a man was interested in a long term relationship with a woman. One of those signs was that a man who was very interested in a woman would not show any hesitation about introducing her to his friends and family.  I'm not sure if that is factual, but it does make sense to me.

I was very excited about a trip I took with a good friend. We are just friends..that's it. No physical intimacy, just nice times together. And that was fine for me.  But some pictures of the trip got to his family, and this caused a big stir...because they were told he was going on the trip alone, and he didn't want them all into his personal business.  So he deactivated his Facebook account, and I feel to blame.

But I'm not...really.

But I'm also not deserving of this kind of option.

I think the life lesson to learn in all this is realizing when it is healthy to stay...and when it is healthy to let go...and the boundaries that go with all that.

Yet one other kind of option.

I just hope I make the right option.