It's interesting (when you take the time to look at things in the world) how things seem to balance. Sometimes your personal life can be going to pieces, while your professional life is stellar. And then life can tilt, and your professional life is like climbing uphill, while your personal life is well..is happy.
Scary thing for me to say, really.
I've waited and worked a long time for happy. At first I wasn't sure what happy was anymore. I was so lost in the muck of losing Reid, and ensuing explosion of my marriage, that I couldn't even see happy. It was so far away and unreachable.
But after a lot of time (still hate that word) and a lot of work, happy is back in my life. If not happy, content works as well.
I kept hearing from friends that as I gained confidence in myself and self esteem that I was a worthwhile person, I would attract the right kind of people. And in my ever ending quest to figure out what the heck was important, and what was not, I found this to be true. You can't give to others until you are content with yourself.
So here I am, actually pleased with my little life. I liked going home..I liked spending time with my friends, my girls, my dogs..and liked being by myself. I really did.
By the way, I still do.
And so there I was, happy, figuring things out, the time space continuum was tilted in the right directions, and then it happened.
I met someone.
Now you must realize that I do have standards for what I am looking for in a man. Although I've been told they are too high, I don't think so. A job and teeth are crucial. Honesty, a good sense of humor, kindness, a focus and a purpose, and integrity are also in there.
That's him.
When we first started talking and e-mailing, we had such a good time with words and wit and humor. When we first met, I remember thinking that once again I would meet someone, and as usual, meeting me would turn into "unmeeting me". However, I was getting used to being rejected, and not as devastated as I was when the world of dating torture began.
He actually still liked me after we met.
We had fun together, and enjoyed teasing each other, and that was exactly where it needed to be for me. I wasn't expecting a relationship...I wasn't expecting exclusivity..it was just enough to get to know him and spend time together.
He is one of the kindest and generous man I have ever met. In fact, he is the kindest and most generous man I ever met. And that is a very rare thing for me. It touched me to my core. I still was very thankful for his attention and friendship, and enjoyed the challenge of wits that he brought to my life. Of course I was hoping our friendship would progress, but I wasn't in a hurry.
But I found out that who I was...was not enough.
The one thing that I have realized that all we have is what is inside of us. We may be tall, or short, or thin, or wide. We may be a size 8, or overweight, and it can all change in a blink of an eye. The outside can change.
But the inside is the thing.
The one thing that is not enough is when you have criteria that is so tight and structured that it stops you from finding the thing that you really want. As wonderful and great as I told that I was, it wasn't enough.
It was right..but I was wrong.
Now I have to decide if the friendship that we have is enough. I have to decide if I can hope...or not hope for more. I have to decide if a person that I have grown to care for and value as a friend is who I am thinking he is..or wrong.
Today my daughter told me (who is very wise at times for 25) that there is nothing wrong with just having fun. Just fun. and to think of it as, "Ka-Pow". If you know her, that makes perfect sense she would say that. To enjoy the fun, and the friendship, and the good times together, and just to live in that.
Even when the right is wrong.
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