One of the things that has happened with this living alone, not having oodles of children/teenagers to cook , clean, nag at..is that I have time to think. This is a dangerous thing at times, but also a good thing for me. So I do.
It has always, always, been important for me to have a boyfriend. I remember in sixth grade being so happy that Johnny Gallman liked me for the brief period of most likely 3 weeks..and picking out a special pen for him. (Yes, I'm a dork). I remember the thrill of having the ninth grade class president decide that I was his latest conquest. I will have you know that I set the record of dating him for 3 months, before his mom and dad decided that dating me was not a good idea. (My mother liked to call people when she drank, and decided to call his mom one night, and let her have it). When I started dating Craig, I remember lying in bed and thanking God that someone liked me. Then there was Charles, who professed his undying love for me, and made me feel special..and then it became real.
So when I was alone...which really hadn't happened much in my life, my idea was that I would get in another relationship, at least by 2 years after the divorce. Well, needless to say, it will be 3 years since the divorce, and I am no where near a relationship..in fact I am not even dating anyone at the moment. And for the most part I am ok with that most of the time. Well, maybe I'm not. Well, maybe I am. It depends on the moment, and what is going on.
For the fact of the matter is that it does matter to me immensely to be in a relationship with someone. I watch people that I have dated move to another person..and it kills me. I am hurt, and puzzled, and mad at myself that it does matter so much to me. And I wonder why...and so did my friends.
I am beginning to understand why a bit better now.
This is hard for me to admit, really. I know my mother loved me and my two sisters. I am sure she did. I tell people that all the time. But I never really heard it from her. I never really got a hug and a kiss goodnight when I went to bed from her. I most of the time was trying to get her to go to bed when I was small. I most of the time wondered what she was doing or saying when I was out with friends, or on a date. I tried hard to go the right things, and do things in school the right way, and all that stuff. But a lot of the time I was scared, and uneasy, and not feeling so safe in my own home.
I remember going to other families that told each other that they loved each other all the time, and hugged and kissed each other, and I was amazed and uncomfortable all at the same time. Cause I didn't see it in my own home. And when I was married to Craig, he did show his love and affection for me and for the children. And I tried to show it back, and I think I did.
But I think deep inside me there is this little girl with a big hole that needs care and affection..that needs someone to tell her that she is important and special to him. And although I know that I have to be happy and whole with myself..and know that another person should add to my life, not make my life..the little girl part of me still wants it so badly...wants to be loved and appreciated and told that I am simply amazing.
And now I have to figure out how to get the part in my head and the hole in my heart to get together to get fixed..and to let that little girl inside me know that I am amazing and special.
I just wish I could feel that way.
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