I am a human yo yo of emotion and determination. I set a goal (run 5 miles, eat healthier, not text someone that I shouldn't text) and the next thing you know...I"m sitting on my bed, eating a little Debbie snack cake, pondering what to text. It's pathetic, but true. ( I do love little Debbie Swiss Roll Snack Cakes though..they rate right up there with brownies..which for me are food crack).
I KNOW what to do in order to get healthier, and it's simple, really. Eat less and move more. That's it. I listen to people, read tons of books, and it all boils down to the same thing. During my homeless spring tour, I was on the "Charles Moore Weight Loss Diet" which consisted of me basically losing anything I ate. And since this went on for the three months of my homeless spring tour, I lost a good 30 pounds or so.
And then I didn't.
Besides not being exactly the best way to lose weight, I have floundered in what I know I need to do to get healthier. I am really good at the walking part...mostly because I have Kitty, who considers my major role in life to walk her. And since she saved my life by doing this, I keep returning the favor. And now we have Tila, who adds to the fun of the walk. (Try holding two leashes, an iPod, and have earphones in your ears while walking ...sheeshie. ) I also start out each day with determination and plan (ummm, for the most part) healthy things to eat at school, and two things usually happen.
1. I am stellar in my food choices during the day, and then when I get home, it is as if I have been in a German concentration camp for 20 years. Or...
2. I start grabbing every treat or morsel I can find at school.. Kind of an emotional food frenzy.
Neither are helpful.
Yesterday I was looking through at the 4, 345 dating websites that seem to know I am single. I decided in January that I was removing myself from those sites for a bit, while I worked on me. But if you will remember how I am an emotional yo-yo, you will not be surprised to know that I decided to put a decent picture of myself and a good friend on this dating website. I am NOT photogenic, so if I find a good picture of myself, it's rare. So I filled in all the basics of the profile stuff they needed, added the picture, and Ta-da! within 10 minutes, I had several candidates who were winking and showing interest.
Now, I am not so naive as to not know that sometimes these websites are rigged. (Well, at least I think they are...I have no data to support this, but it does seem to me they try to "hook" you when you decide to resign or remove yourself. ). But there were a couple of men that e-mailed, and one man in particular that was asking questions. Kind of flattering.
And then I looked at my profile picture.
I didn't pay a lot of attention when I posted the picture, and when it cropped the picture, the image of the picture was not of myself, but of my friend. She is an attractive, normal body size type of person. Very personable, very photogenic.
Oops.
I went back and cropped the picture so the image was of myself, and then received an e-mail from the man wanting to know if I could send more pictures of myself, besides the one "with my friend on the left."
Guess who was on the left?
I wrote back politely, explaining that I WAS the person on the left, and asking if he still wanted more photos.
He didn't.
He did write back, explaining that my friend was of the "average" size, while I clearly was not. And that it was not a good idea to post pictures of two people on a profile, and while he wished me luck on my search, he was not interested in me.
However, if my friend was interested in him, he would be interested in her as well.
Now I have to tell you that besides not being really surprised by this, I reacted for the first time in my life by not thinking, "Oh great, I'm not enough again" to 'What a jerk." Because I do believe his statements say a lot about the type of person he is, which is not the type of person I would want to be with anywho. Or either I am just getting a thicker skin about rejection.
But something did happen.
As I thought about this, there was a very small part of me that got some backbone and thought, "I'll show him. I'll prove he is wrong about me." Because although what he said is not anywhere on the scale of niceness, he was right about one thing. I am heavier than I need to be. And for my health (and now to prove a point) I do need to work on becoming a smaller me.
And then posting a new picture of myself, and rejecting him.
Well, not really...but maybe I will. :)
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