Sometimes it's the smallest thing...

I am a human yo yo of emotion and determination. I set a goal (run 5 miles, eat healthier, not text someone that I shouldn't text) and the next thing you know...I"m sitting on my bed, eating a little Debbie snack cake, pondering what to text. It's pathetic, but true. ( I do love little Debbie Swiss Roll Snack Cakes though..they rate right up there with brownies..which for me are food crack).

I KNOW what to do in order to get healthier, and it's simple, really. Eat less and move more. That's it. I listen to people, read tons of books, and it all boils down to the same thing. During my homeless spring tour, I was on the "Charles Moore Weight Loss Diet" which consisted of me basically losing anything I ate. And since this went on for the three months of my homeless spring tour, I lost a good 30 pounds or so.

And then I didn't.

Besides not being exactly the best way to lose weight, I have floundered in what I know I need to do to get healthier. I am really good at the walking part...mostly because I have Kitty, who considers my major role in life to walk her. And since she saved my life by doing this, I keep returning the favor. And now we have Tila, who adds to the fun of the walk. (Try holding two leashes, an iPod, and have earphones in your ears while walking ...sheeshie. ) I also start out each day with determination and plan (ummm, for the most part) healthy things to eat at school, and two things usually happen.

1. I am stellar in my food  choices during the day, and then when I get home, it is as if I have been in a German concentration camp for 20 years. Or...
2. I start grabbing every treat or morsel I can find at school.. Kind of an emotional food frenzy.

Neither are helpful.

Yesterday I was looking through at the 4, 345 dating websites that seem to know I am single. I decided in January that I was removing myself from those sites for a bit, while I worked on me. But if you will remember how I am an emotional yo-yo, you will not be surprised to know that I decided to put a decent picture of myself and a good friend on this dating website. I am NOT photogenic, so if I find a good picture of myself, it's rare. So I filled in all the basics of the profile stuff they needed, added the picture, and Ta-da! within 10 minutes, I had several candidates who were winking and showing interest.

Now, I am not so naive as to not know that sometimes these websites are rigged. (Well, at least I think they are...I have no data to support this, but it does seem to me they try to "hook" you when you decide to resign or remove yourself. ). But there were a couple of men that e-mailed, and one man in particular that was asking questions. Kind of flattering.

And then I looked at my profile picture.

I didn't pay a lot of attention when I posted the picture, and when it cropped the picture, the image of the picture was not of myself, but of my friend. She is an attractive, normal body size type of person. Very personable, very photogenic.

Oops.

I went back and cropped the picture so the image was of myself, and then received an e-mail from the man wanting to know if I could send more pictures of myself, besides the one "with my friend on the left."

Guess who was on the left?

I wrote back politely, explaining that I WAS the person on the left, and asking if he still wanted more photos.

He didn't.

He did write back, explaining that my friend was of the "average" size, while I clearly was not. And that it was not a good idea to post pictures of two people on a profile, and while he wished me luck on my search, he was not interested in me.

However, if my friend was interested in him, he would be interested in her as well.

Now I have to tell you that besides not being really surprised by this, I reacted for the first time in my life by not thinking, "Oh great, I'm not enough again" to 'What a jerk." Because I do believe his statements say a lot about the type of person he is, which is not the type of person I would want to be with anywho. Or either I am just getting a thicker skin about rejection.

But something did happen.

As I thought about this, there was a very small part of me that got some backbone and thought, "I'll show him. I'll prove he is wrong about me." Because although what he said is not anywhere on the scale of niceness, he was right about one thing. I am heavier than I need to be. And for my health (and now to prove a point) I do need to work on becoming a smaller me.

And then posting a new picture of myself, and rejecting him.

Well, not really...but maybe I will. :)

The things that I think at times

I remember when I became principal, our executive director of elementary curriculum (who I would like to be when I grow up..she is an amazing person) told me that the first year I was principal, I would think it was easy. The second year, a light bulb would begin to shine above my head as I realized I was a little over my head, and by the third year, I would realize how much I didn't know.

Of course, she was right.

The expulsion from the bubble has been quite the same way. I swear, if you would look up the word "naive" in the dictionary, it would have a picture of my big old head beside it.  The more that I learn outside this bubble, the more that I am amazed. (and befuzzled, and quite confused at times as well.)

So let me share some of the things I have learned...or still trying to learn.

1. People like it when you are a good friend, but some do not reciprocate  the favor. A good friend also is a good friend to you as well. Friendship is not a one way street. 
2. When someone tells you "I am confused" or "I need time to figure things out" or "When I get things figured out, we can hang out together" they are really telling you nicely, "I'm not interested."  (This I figured out yesterday...and I literally mean yesterday.)
3. Some men actually do like romantic poems, flower gifts,  and stuff like that on their Facebook page. (Really? Really?)  This sends out a "Danger, Danger, Will Robinson" signal to me. 
4. Babies and puppies are really just the same...one just has a longer tail.
5. No matter what you do, someone is going to like what you do...and others will not. So do what you want to do, but do it from your moral core.
6. You can not fly below the radar, and then mumble that no one knows who you are. So stop it. (This is directed to me). 
7. Watch how someone is around waiters, or salespeople..this will be a hint to you how they will be around you..when they are no longer trying to impress you. (This I read in the Oprah magazine this morning). 
8. If you are doing all the contacting, and the other person is not..that should tell one something. Hopefully I will learn this someday. Sigh.
9. When all else fails, go for a walk..take dogs with you..and be thankful for all that you have..and all that can some in your life.
10. Cloudy Sundays are good days for naps. :)

The things I've always wanted.

One of the things that has happened with this living alone, not having oodles of children/teenagers to cook , clean, nag at..is that I have time to think. This is a dangerous thing at times, but also a good thing for me. So I do.

It has always, always, been important for me to have a boyfriend. I remember in sixth grade being so happy that Johnny Gallman liked me for the brief period of most likely 3 weeks..and picking out a special pen for him. (Yes, I'm a dork). I remember the thrill of having the ninth grade class president decide that I was his latest conquest. I will have you know that I set the record of dating him for 3 months, before his mom and dad decided that dating me was not a good idea. (My mother liked to call people when she drank, and decided to call his mom one night, and let her have it).  When I started dating Craig, I remember lying in bed and thanking God that someone liked me. Then there was Charles, who professed his undying love for me, and made me feel special..and then it became real.

So when I was alone...which really hadn't happened much in my life, my idea was that I would get in another relationship, at least by 2 years after the divorce.  Well, needless to say, it will be 3 years since the divorce, and I am no where near a relationship..in fact I am not even dating anyone at the moment. And for the most part I am ok with that most of the time. Well, maybe I'm not. Well, maybe I am. It depends on the moment, and what is going on.

For the fact of the matter is that it does matter to me immensely to be in a relationship with someone. I watch people that I have dated move to another person..and it kills me. I am hurt, and puzzled, and mad at myself that it does matter so much to me. And I wonder why...and so did my friends.

I am beginning to understand why a bit better now.

This is hard for me to admit, really. I know my mother loved me and my two sisters. I am sure she did. I tell people that all the time. But I never really heard it from her. I never really got a hug and a kiss goodnight when I went to bed from her. I most of the time was trying to get her to go to bed when I was small. I most of the time wondered what she was doing or saying when I was out with friends, or on a date. I tried hard to go the right things, and do things in school the right way, and all that stuff. But a lot of the time I was scared, and uneasy, and not feeling so safe in my own home.

I remember going to other families that told each other that they loved each other all the time, and hugged and kissed each other, and I was amazed and uncomfortable all at the same time. Cause I didn't see it in my own home. And when I was married to Craig, he did show his love and affection for me and for the children. And I tried to show it back, and I think I did.

But I think deep inside me there is this little girl with a big hole that needs care and affection..that needs someone to tell her that she is important and special to him. And although I know that I have to be happy and whole with myself..and know that another person should add to my life, not make my life..the little girl part of me still wants it so badly...wants to be loved and appreciated and told that I am simply amazing.

And now I have to figure out how to get the part in my head and the hole in my heart to get together to get fixed..and to let that little girl inside me know that I am amazing and special.

I just wish I could feel that way.