That story and that phrase has stuck with me. In fact, I use it often when explaining any sort of issue about anyone. And now that includes me as well.
I grew up in a family that had two sisters (not counting me) and a mother. My father died when I was 10. His death has been explained to me and my sisters as a pancreatic disease, but I never thought that was the whole truth. (My family is big on secrets). I knew that he had some kind of nervous breakdown when I was in the third grade..and he was addicted to codeine cough syrup. This we discovered in finding hundreds of cough syrup bottles on top of the breezeway after his death.
My mother was an alcoholic. She was a wonderful mother during the day. After my father died, I remember her dating a bit, but I am sure my little 10 year old glare at her dates did not help. So it was my two sisters, myself, and my Mama. And although she was great during the day, she was mean and scary at night. She would disguise bourbon (or whatever) in coke...and by 8 or 9 o'clock, she became nasty. And it was amazing how she could get on the phone and call people...and basically ruin their evening as well. I lost a lot of boyfriends that way, and I guess you can't blame their parents. I wouldn't want my son hanging out with a daughter who had a mom who basically told you off..and that is putting it nicely.
My job..as well as my sisters, was to get her to go to sleep. Because if you could get her to go to sleep, the meanness and the phone calls would stop. This, however, was a bit difficult for the three of us. I remember my two sisters coming into my room in the attic, and telling me that we needed to get Mama to go to sleep. She was forever fixing the toilet while she drank as well. Why this is, I don't know.
This went on past my college years. It was strange. I could be out on a date, and I would know if I came home she would be drinking. And she was not nice to my dates, I might add. She did the same to my sisters, and was quite nasty in her tone and her gestures.
When my children and my sisters' children came along, things changed. She had larynx cancer, and the treatments made her ill when she drank. This was a good thing, because I had made up my mind that my children would not be around to experience what I did. And my children, as well as my niece and nephews, loved her...and did so until her death
My first marriage was peaceful and safe...no tension, no scariness, just a stable environment..until I got stupid and threw it away. When I married "The Mayor" I basically went right back into the same situation I did with my mother...the same tension, the same kind of quicksand, without the drinking.
And now I am out of it, and rebuilding me. Or trying to figure out the new me, or whatever I am. Who knows? I've been going to grief counseling for the last four years since Reid died, and then that ended when the state had cutbacks. I thought I was doing ok, and was my usual mess at Christmas. Dena told me that I really needed to go back to counseling. I had done couples counseling with Ken Hodder. In fact all the children have seen him, except for Reid. And I am sure he would have if he had been alive. So I went this past week. To be honest, I am not really sure why I did. I felt ok, and thought I was doing well. At the end of the first session, Ken informed me that this would be "long term" work..which to be honest, jolted me a bit. And then my wise Yoda friend told me today that she felt that I had issues from my childhood which have basically made me a mess.
So here I am...with long term issues. Funny. When Ken asked me what I wanted from this counseling, I told him I was kind of floundering...that I wanted to build a life for myself that was real and whole. At least that's what I think I want. We will see. We will see.
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