When Your Best May Not Be Enough.

They are the best part of my day.

They walk into school carrying their backpacks, their hopes, their dreams, their sadness.

Their faces light up the campus. Their smiles. Their hugs. They skip, they hop, they run.

I watch their eyes light up when they see a friend, a teacher, or a balloon that floats across the horizon.

I treasure their hugs as they meet me as a long lost friend that they have missed, and listen to their stories about their frogs, their daddies, their dogs and blankies.  I ache with them as they experience things in life that souls this small should not endure.

They are the best part of my world.

My job is to keep students safe and help them learn.  That's what I tell them when they visit me in my office. That's what I believe.

That's what I do.

This morning, I took my dogs to the school, as I always do. And as I walked across the campus, I thought about each and every face. The ones that come barreling down the pathway from the buses. The ones that join arms, that have bows on their hair, that smile at me shyly on their way to their rooms. The ones that are sneaking through the biopark, chasing after a friend. The ones that come early to school, and sit on the ledges in the hallway, waiting for a bell. The ones with missing teeth and big hugs that greet me as they round a corner. The ones that hold a parent's hand, and wave at me behind their mittens and scarfs.

My job is to keep them safe.

You take for granted so much in this world. And then something happens that blows that world apart. And now 20 small children that took the fact that their school was a safe place are now gone, leaving a world that is wondering what is safe anymore.

Walking among the pods this morning, I started to think about what I would do if I ever had to look a parent in the eye, and let them know I wasn't able to keep their most precious thing in the world safe.  And what I would do if I had to explain to a family that I wasn't able to  keep a teacher or staff member safe. And I started to think if I have done everything I can humanly do to make sure I never have to do that.

And wondering if my best is not enough.

But I do know this. I will walk back into school on Monday morning, and treasure the smiles, the hugs, the laughter, even the annoyance that comes as a part of a school day. I also know that I will do my best to ensure that my school is a place where children can come,  be safe, and can learn.

And my best will be enough. I pray it will be enough.

Danger, Danger, Will Robinson.

Have I mentioned to you that I am a slow learner?

Well, for those of you who don't have the pleasure of knowing me and all my quirks, I am. The obvious is not always obvious to me.  If there is a hard way to do something, I will find it.  And then when I see that I could have accomplished a task or project in 3.54 seconds, instead of 3.42 hours, I am always amazed.

In other words, common sense is not always present where I am. And no, I am not gifted. (Those of you who know me can stop laughing now).

I would like to mention that I think I am almost normal now in the world of dating. Well, as normal as you can be when you are dating.  I worry at times that perhaps I am too detached from connections with someone..which brings about an interesting question...

Am I actually exhibiting normal, healthy, adult behavior?
Or am I putting up barriers so I won't get hurt and can maintain some form of sanity?

Yes.

It is possible in life to be at a myriad of levels in becoming the person you were meant to be. Sometimes the levels inside your brain are healthy, and some levels are old defenses that pop up when you are threatened by a past that puts your mind on full scale alert.

Danger, Danger, Will Robinson.

As I have been actually participating in normal dating behavior that doesn't resemble scenes from Fatal Attraction, (and no, I was never that bad..I hope)  I have noticed a strange but important fact.

The closer I get to someone in a healthy relationship, the more I panic.

Danger, Danger, Will Robinson..or Defcon 4, or whatever it is when your mind goes into a state of defense and shuts down.

I have also noticed (please remember the slow learner part of me) that the closer I get to a normal dating relationship, the more dysfunctional my eating habits become.  This realization hit me a couple of weeks ago when I caught myself devouring a box of Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls, after a very happy date.  It makes no logical sense why I would implode a relationship, or hurt myself by unhealthy eating habits...that I know perfectly well how to fix.

Or perhaps it does make sense.

After my adventures in Crazy Land, I was determined that what happened to me with the Mayor would never,  NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, (did I mention never?) happen to me again. And I think that is smart.  You should learn from your mistakes. And when I make mistakes, I go big.

Sigh.

However, the result from my determination is that my psyche also somehow decided that it would help to make sure I didn't get hurt by ..well, just not participating in dating activities that could make hurt a possibility. So for all my complaining and whining that I wasn't a star in the dating world, my inside was rejoicing. ("Yippee! We can't go through this again, so let's help Laura drive yet another poor guy away)".

At least I think that's what my brain was saying to the rest of me.

So now that I am dating someone, and things are getting closer for me, I am terrified. Because I absolutely can not go through this again. My little brain is putting out all kinds of brain stuff that is telling me to run like the wind, hide in my house, push away any kind of warmth that could be intimate.

This is a big problem.

Of course I don't want my life to be this way. My head is telling me so. All resources tell me so. But the heart part of me just doesn't want to have any part of this yet.  Just like when Reid died,  it's the head/heart connection.   My head knew he was gone, but my heart was absolutely broken. And will always be, on some level. And it took a bit for my heart and head to get together to figure that out. Kind of.

So now I have to work on being brave, putting away past hurts, and moving forward to the life and relationships that I deserve.  My head knows that it's possible, that I will have to take a chance in anything wonderful in life, that I need to tear down those walls I am so good at putting around my heart.

Just hope my heart cooperates.  

My Tall Backbone

This school year has already brought more changes than has shoes..or whatever people say about change. And now a really big disturbance of the force is going on at Colinas.

Robert walked into my life after a series of unfortunate events that resulted in the assistant principal at that time leaving Colinas. When I was first told of this move, I was told by the HR director that they all thought that I'd like him. She said we had a lot in common. At the time, I couldn't possibly see how a 6'7 secondary school guy from Los Alamos could have in common with me, but at that point in time, I was just happy to have someone that could at least smile at me and be professional. I figured that he would come in the morning to Colinas, get the heck back to work on Cleveland in the afternoon, and that he would be back in the land of tall students by spring.

I was wrong. 

From the start, Robert was able to do two things at Colinas: He both pleased and terrified people. Some teachers were terrified of him because of their past post traumatic  experiences with other administrators, and some were just scared because he was so tall. A few begged me at first to make sure that I was their evaluator.  The students really liked him..although he did have a way of using his voice and his height to get his point across. He can bellow better than anyone I know..ask any student at Colinas who was trying to do the 50 mile dash in 1.3 seconds across the courtyard.  And he had a name for almost everyone. One of our teachers who somehow set her car on fire became "Mrs. Sparky".  And the first union representative we both had at Colinas always had the fun of hearing him say, "Watch out, union rep!" as she walked by us. Our Site Specialist was called "The Princess". I will say he didn't have a name for me..at least one he said out loud. :)

Around Christmas of that first year, Robert decided that he would like to remain at Colinas instead of going to the hip and trendy Cleveland. I was absolutely amazed. But, there were several factors that entered into his decision. First, there was his daughter, Kaley. She was in third grade when Robert started working at Colinas. This way, he could see her daily..which was a huge bonus for him..and for her. He is an excellent dad. He has a great balance between soft and hard..he cares deeply about his children, but he makes sure they do what they are supposed to do, and stands firm until they do it..which is uncommon sometimes in this day and time. Secondly, he wasn't quite sure if Cleveland would open on time, and it's kind of nice to have a job. Finally,  I think he kinda liked all of us.

Robert was (and still is) really good at listening, observing, and asking questions. And he did all three a lot. At first, he didn't know what the heck a guided reading lesson was, and most likely had never used the phrase, "developmentally appropriate". But he watched, and asked a lot of questions, and then asked again when things still didn't make sense to him.  And he learned, pretty quickly, I might add. And sometimes would make some observations that my little elementary brain had never thought about before. It was fun to watch him come back from a classroom and talk about all that he had seen, and how much he kinda enjoyed getting what the elementary world was like.

Then there was the "Book of Abney". Robert didn't call it that, but it quickly became my phrase for this little book that he carries with him, in which he writes quotes that mean something to him, words of wisdom, and just thoughts about the world in general.  And he was really good about pulling The Book of Abney out, and relaying something I might be rolling my eyes at, but really made good sense for what was happening to me, or the school, or to someone at the moment. He is kind of Yoda like, in a tall, not looking like a Yoda way. What he says usually makes sense.

When you work with someone in a position where a lot of trust and a lot of things of a confidential nature is a given, it's tricky. But Robert and I kind of fit, and balanced each other. I could give him grief, and he would know I'd have his best interests at heart, and he would do the same. There wasn't a moment where I didn't know that he felt about school in general the same way I did. If we put the students first in all decisions, the rest (as hard as it could be at times) would fall into place. And they usually did. We were both honest with each other, and I knew that I could always trust him, and felt that he trusted me.

And then there was his sense of humor. I'm a bit of a goofy dork, and Robert has a great sense of humor that really delighted most people.  As Robert would say (From the Book of Abney, Chapter 3) "If you can't have fun at work..it's just work".   The fact that we could laugh and find humor in all the chaos that was swirling around us was a bonus. You know, sometimes laughing is all you can do.

It's hard to believe, but we've worked together for four years. And I knew that Robert was more than ready for his own school...except if you ask almost any student at Colinas, they thought he was the "real' principal anyway.  You know, being tall and a man equates being more in charge. And that is really what I told people..we both are principals. We were a team.

Robert did suffer some disappointments in his quest to have his own school, and although he was Mr. "CrabbyMcCrabber pants", he did (kind of ) listen when I told him that things were work out when they should. Cause he always told me that. Although I will say he didn't like much having one of his quotes thrown back at him.

And finally, the time was right. He was selected to be the principal at an elementary school in Albuquerque. I am thrilled for him, because it is something that he has wanted and deserved for some time. And he will be great. Our media specialist stopped me when she heard the news and very aptly said, "I know you will miss your tall backbone".  That is what he was for me. There is a part of me that finds it hard to comprehend how I will step in the front door of Colinas on Monday morning, knowing he won't be there. But I will...and he will walk into his new school..and we all will be fine.

Cause as we can both tell you, things always work out as they should. Thanks for everything, Robert.

Back in the Saddle Again....

I would like to mention to anyone within shouting distance that I am back for my sixth year as principal of my little elementary school on the mesa.  Despite  the fact that my district has either A: Forgotten I am the principal out there or B: was truly desperate when I was hired,  I am back for another year of learning and fun.

I would like to tell you that change doesn't bother me at all, but I would be slightly untruthful about this if I did tell you so. Change is inevitable in any school..and usually really a good thing, on some levels.  But I will just mention that it is hard at the moment to write a welcoming back to school letter to the staff when I am not sure what is going to be true in the letter when they get it in a day or so.

Think I could start with "Hold on to your shirts, ladies and gentlemen?"

The one thing that I know for a certainty as an educational leader is that although chaos may be swirling around you (Kind of like Hurricane Hugo did to poor Charleston) said educational leader must remain calm, cool, and collected in the face of the debris that is sweeping past everyone's faces.  I am normally very good at that..with the exception of having beekeepers that decided to disturb a nest during school hours, leaving numerous stings on my faces as I marched indignantly after said beekeepers..trying not to choke them for hurting my students and scaring people to death. That, I think is a bit justified.

Change..and the concept of it can be unsettling to people, or it can be exciting and life changing. I have always thought that when things began to change, or if possibilities come up, it is always good from my  perspective that I when I am a little nervous about something, it usually works out well.  Don't ask me why..It's kind of like the dream I used to have before school started when I was teaching. I would dream that I would walk into my first grade/kindergarten/second grade classroom, and there would be gigantic football players sitting at the tables, informing me that why yes, they were in my class for the year. When I woke up trembling (yes, I am a bit intimidated by people taller than I am) this dream would guarantee that I would have a great first day of school.  The one year I didn't have this dream, I walked to pick up my new Kindergarten class, watching small boys circling the room as a piranha circles toes in the Amazon River...causing great confusion and a lot of delay to my neatly planned and orderly first day of school.

That one year was the reason I loved my Football player dream. I will note I do not have a football player dream for my first days of school as an administrator.  I am sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for why that is, but I can't think of why my brain wouldn't cooperate about this  at the moment.

So this year, I am noting that I am a little on edge and a bit nervous about the changes that may entering my comfort zone at school. And to be honest, that is a good thing. I know that things happen for a reason and when they are supposed to happen. The universe has a way of taking care of things and situations that always tends to work out more successfully than what I have envisioned in my small principal like brain.

So I will continue preparing schedules, hiring the remaining staff we need to hire, print calendars, and look forward to more change and more exciting possibilities around the corner. I am fortunate to be in an environment where the impossible can come possible every day.

And buying new Sharpies to begin the year is always a bonus. :)

Moving up the Dating Continuum...

I am happy to announce (perhaps) that I have now entered a new level on the "Dating Continuum". I don't think one really exists, but since I am in education, and deal with continuums daily, why not construct a dating one? A 1 (or beginning step) would be Date One, with a 4 (or Advanced) would be when you actually get engaged..or married. Hmmm, this has possibilities.

Ok, back to my current level.

I am now at the level which will now give the acronym of "MWRPW". In case you are wondering what in the world this stands for, I will now elaborate.

It's "Men Who Resemble Psychotic Women".

If you know anything about me at all, I am fond of Lifetime movies.  And in Lifetime movies, there always seems to be a woman who goes psychotic and wrecks havoc everywhere she goes..normally on her husband or boyfriend.

Like Betty Broderick.

Meredith Baxter plays her in a two part (yes, it takes two movies to tell this story) movie in which Betty Broderick loses her husband to his secretary, and she gets mad. When I tell you she gets mad, she does things to them that will not land her in the "Nice Woman Club" and ends with killing both her ex-husband and his new wife. And this is a true story, I might add. She would be one of the founders of the "Psychotic Women" club.  

Now most people are under the belief that it is women that usually go nuts and do things that would make you call the police when a relationship ends..or begins...or when things do not go exactly as they expect them to go. And I am not denying this. I've seen it happen. I've also been the one that would panic when a man didn't contact me 1.2 minutes after I contacted them. ..and to be sure that the world as I knew it had come to an end. Any of my friends can verify  this as well. Poor them. I am not proud of this fact, but that is when I was at the beginning step of the dating continuum. So I should be given some credit that I have learned not to flip out when I wasn't contacted back within an unreasonable amount of time. This fact could help explain one of the reasons I am still single. 

However, I am now encountering men who exhibit this kind of "Betty Broderick" behavior as well. Perfectly normal looking and reasonable looking men, who actually have jobs and teeth.  (Please remember those two traits are part of my criteria for men).  They seem normal, they act like they are reasonable, focused, funny, real..a lot of the things that I find attractive in a man. 

The second facet of this disability is that they think that I am absolutely amazing. They love my voice, my wit,  my laugh. They are drawn and connected to me in a way that they have NEVER been connected and drawn to a woman before in their lives.  Pretty neat, huh?

The only issue is that they haven't met me yet. 

Danger, Danger, Will Robinson. 

The third facet of this disability (and yes, I qualify MWRPW as a disability) is that the reasonableness and normal like behavior switches into someone who resembles....

You know the movie. Remember the poor bunny?

The men with this issue begin to exhibit "Fatal Attraction" characteristics.  It kind of goes like this:

 Man with MWRPW: "Why don't you think I'm amazing like I think you are?" 

Me: " I haven't met you yet."

Man with MWRPW:  "You need to live in the moment, let yourself go, not hold back".

Me: "I just met you". 

Man with MWRPW: "We will be a great couple together. I don't understand why you are not letting yourself feel what I feel is an deep, once in a life time connection".

Me:  "I just met you".

Man with MWRPW:  "Well, something is obviously wrong with you since you (You can pick from the following choices) :

                                      1.  Don't think I'm amazing.

                                      2.  Won't have sex with me on the first date.

                                      3.  Act normal. 

Me:  (in my inside voice) " Are you kidding me"?

I guess it is reasonable to make the connection between men and women in their 40s and 50s that are thrust into a dating world in which all the rules are different, and the ground that you are are is a slippery slope leading to psychotic disaster. So I will continue on the path of my dating continuum world, and pray that somewhere between the second step (approaching dating proficiency) and the fourth step (a relationship) is that out there somewhere there is a normal man who is...well, as normal as you can expect someone to be without whipping out a knife and trying to slash me because I won't conform to their ideal of what ideal is.

I don't think that's too much to ask. Is it? 

When you hit a bump...

It seems as if most cities have speed bumps. They are highly annoying, I might add. I know that they are placed in strategic positions so that normal people who are just trying to get to their designation can't get there quite as quickly as they would like. It's not like I speed or anything excessive like that, it's just that slowing down is not in my DNA..which is a good and a bad thing.

I have been pretty proud of myself lately. I've been handling events and people more like a normal person would..well, more like a normal person who is meeting new people and trying to navigate the world of singledom.  For instance, I started talking to a man who seemed nice and interesting. We did the online dating thing.

1. We e-mailed on the online site.
2. We then exchanged numbers and started to text back and forth.
3. He seemed to find me very attractive, desirable..which kind of amazed me, since we hadn't met.
4. When I mentioned that fact, he got defensive and said that I was "holding on to the past" since I didn't feel like I should run off to Tahiti with him, and tell him that he was the greatest thing since the Coach purse...or the invention of the Sharpie.
5. I decided he was a bit psycho...and declined to talk to him again.
6. Bonus points for me.

So there I was, very proud of myself, and thinking that I was becoming like the "Rambo" of  the dating world, when it happened. 

I got an e-mail from a man that I was fond of, and someone who had been very generous and kind to me. 

Do you ever get a funny tingling in your chest when you see something that you know is going to be bad and scary? That "heart attack" kind of feeling which spreads throughout your body and makes you feel like you are going to throw up? 

That's how I felt when I saw the e-mail..before I even read it. 

Not good.

He talked about how busy he was, how he missed talking to me, how he was still planning to move to Thailand, or the Philippines perhaps, and that I would be proud of him because he was going to take two trips in the late summer and fall. I really don't remember the rest of it, because as I was reading/skimming it, the panic inside me began to grow and build. 

I had (foolishly, I know) mentioned to him that he could come over to my house for dinner sometime. He said although the invitation was "alluring" he was now "pretty much" dating someone that works for him,  and someone who was like a mother figure.  She wasn't the description of the "ideal" that he said he had to have to be attracted to someone, but I know people do change. 

But it hurt.  And it was even more hurtful since I felt I was on the right track..and he was a friend, or so I thought. 

And I didn't want it to hurt. I was tired of being hurt...and feeling hurt. 

So I have been highly irritated with myself about it all, because deep inside I knew I was holding on to feelings that I knew were not healthy for me.  And I still have some work to do in that area. 

But then I realized that by hurting I work through my feelings, and then can let them go.  I was confusing someone being nice and generous to me with love. But at least I took a chance, and although it does hurt to know what people say is not always what they mean, I will be ok. 

Bumps are necessary things in life as well. I don't like them, but I will get over this one too, and once again add to my "Lessons in Life" manual. 

Which is getting pretty thick, I might add. 

Fifty Shades of Something.

Now before I begin this, I want to write a disclaimer that I was asked to review "Fifty Shades of Grey", by my friend Cindy, who has known me since elementary school, and has seen me in kitty cat glasses for more years than I would like to mention.

I first heard about the book that "made the New York Times Best Seller list, but no one wanted to mention that they had read it" on the Jackie, Tony, and Donnie radio show that starts off my morning every morning. I love listening to them..they are funny, make me laugh, and give crap to everyone...including themselves. I feel as if I know them personally, although I've only heard them. Perhaps they feel like they know me, too. If they don't feel that way, well, they should.

So I talked to some of my friends about this book, and they informed me that Jackie, Tony, and Donnie were right..it was a very "interesting" book, that had great sex information in it. Well, actually great sex scenes in it. It also seemed as if a lot of people that I knew had read the books, but didn't talk about it either. One friend told me that she didn't think it was a book I would like, which of course ensured that I would read it. I am just a tad stubborn. I am sure that you haven't noticed that.

I did hesitate a bit in reading the book, solely for the reason that if it was as truly erotic as everyone said it was, I didn't want to get in the paper for tackling random men that happened to be walking down the street. After all, I live in a family neighborhood, and I am a principal..who doesn't need to be in the paper for "men tackling".

But my natural curiosity overruled my basic common sense (this one fact gets me in trouble a lot) and I put the first book on my iPad, and began to read. Anastasia (the heroine in the story) bumps into Mr. "Steamy and Brooding" while interviewing him for her best friend, who happens to be ill.  Of course Anastasia is very beautiful, of modest means, and doesn't realize her "hotness" factor, or how she affects men. Mr. "Steamy and Brooding" is young, extremely rich, extremely hot, in other words, everything a woman would want in a Harlequin romance novel..except this one is on steroids, in a manner of speaking.

They are massively attracted to each other..for it seems that Mr. Grey has had some dominance issues with other woman, but until he met Anastasia, he never was drawn towards anyone like he felt for her. (cue harps playing, violins violining, etc.)  Although he is fond of gags, ropes, chains, whips and the like, he is actually willing to have "vanilla" sex with her. Which they do often and with fidelity. (I don't think fidelity is a word that is associated with sex, but I am in education, so that's all I can think of at the moment).

Like the Twilight series, "Shades of Grey"  is a trilogy as well. I will tell you (at risk of alienating my friends who love the Twilight series) that I really feel that the Twilight books could have been written in two (or perhaps one) books:

1. Young, beautiful, girl of modest means (hmmm, sounds familiar, doesn't it?) meets a handsome, hot, brooding, rich vampire.
2. They sigh and twinkle at each other. The wolves object. 
3. They marry and produce a vampire/human baby, whose existence kicks off a huge war between the mean vampires.
4. The good vampires win. The end. 

I did like the last book in that trilogy, I will mention. 

I think that Shades of Grey could have been written in one or two books as well. 

1. Young, beautiful, girl of modest means meets a handsome, hot, brooding, rich, kinky like man.
2. He is drawn to her and goes nuts when she bites her lip. She stares at him a lot in his jeans and white shirt.
3. Because he is so drawn to her, and wants to have her (he uses the word mine a lot..and I mean a lot) he is willing to compromise his domineering standards for her. 
4. She leaves him briefly (I think it was 4 days) but the force of their attraction for each is too much. 
5. She decides that she actually likes some of this domineering sex. 
6. They have a LOT of sex. She bites her lip and he just looks hot.
7. They marry, build a big house, and live happily ever after..even after a fired boss of Anastasia wants revenge and tries to kill him. Or her. 

The benefit of the three books is that you learn about bedroom techniques that have made a lot of husbands and boyfriends happy...or so I've read. And it is the number one best seller..mostly for that reason, I imagine. And so for the greater good of marriages, they might be good books to read to ensure longer and happier unions.

Especially if you bite your lip. :)