Fifty Shades of Something.

Now before I begin this, I want to write a disclaimer that I was asked to review "Fifty Shades of Grey", by my friend Cindy, who has known me since elementary school, and has seen me in kitty cat glasses for more years than I would like to mention.

I first heard about the book that "made the New York Times Best Seller list, but no one wanted to mention that they had read it" on the Jackie, Tony, and Donnie radio show that starts off my morning every morning. I love listening to them..they are funny, make me laugh, and give crap to everyone...including themselves. I feel as if I know them personally, although I've only heard them. Perhaps they feel like they know me, too. If they don't feel that way, well, they should.

So I talked to some of my friends about this book, and they informed me that Jackie, Tony, and Donnie were right..it was a very "interesting" book, that had great sex information in it. Well, actually great sex scenes in it. It also seemed as if a lot of people that I knew had read the books, but didn't talk about it either. One friend told me that she didn't think it was a book I would like, which of course ensured that I would read it. I am just a tad stubborn. I am sure that you haven't noticed that.

I did hesitate a bit in reading the book, solely for the reason that if it was as truly erotic as everyone said it was, I didn't want to get in the paper for tackling random men that happened to be walking down the street. After all, I live in a family neighborhood, and I am a principal..who doesn't need to be in the paper for "men tackling".

But my natural curiosity overruled my basic common sense (this one fact gets me in trouble a lot) and I put the first book on my iPad, and began to read. Anastasia (the heroine in the story) bumps into Mr. "Steamy and Brooding" while interviewing him for her best friend, who happens to be ill.  Of course Anastasia is very beautiful, of modest means, and doesn't realize her "hotness" factor, or how she affects men. Mr. "Steamy and Brooding" is young, extremely rich, extremely hot, in other words, everything a woman would want in a Harlequin romance novel..except this one is on steroids, in a manner of speaking.

They are massively attracted to each other..for it seems that Mr. Grey has had some dominance issues with other woman, but until he met Anastasia, he never was drawn towards anyone like he felt for her. (cue harps playing, violins violining, etc.)  Although he is fond of gags, ropes, chains, whips and the like, he is actually willing to have "vanilla" sex with her. Which they do often and with fidelity. (I don't think fidelity is a word that is associated with sex, but I am in education, so that's all I can think of at the moment).

Like the Twilight series, "Shades of Grey"  is a trilogy as well. I will tell you (at risk of alienating my friends who love the Twilight series) that I really feel that the Twilight books could have been written in two (or perhaps one) books:

1. Young, beautiful, girl of modest means (hmmm, sounds familiar, doesn't it?) meets a handsome, hot, brooding, rich vampire.
2. They sigh and twinkle at each other. The wolves object. 
3. They marry and produce a vampire/human baby, whose existence kicks off a huge war between the mean vampires.
4. The good vampires win. The end. 

I did like the last book in that trilogy, I will mention. 

I think that Shades of Grey could have been written in one or two books as well. 

1. Young, beautiful, girl of modest means meets a handsome, hot, brooding, rich, kinky like man.
2. He is drawn to her and goes nuts when she bites her lip. She stares at him a lot in his jeans and white shirt.
3. Because he is so drawn to her, and wants to have her (he uses the word mine a lot..and I mean a lot) he is willing to compromise his domineering standards for her. 
4. She leaves him briefly (I think it was 4 days) but the force of their attraction for each is too much. 
5. She decides that she actually likes some of this domineering sex. 
6. They have a LOT of sex. She bites her lip and he just looks hot.
7. They marry, build a big house, and live happily ever after..even after a fired boss of Anastasia wants revenge and tries to kill him. Or her. 

The benefit of the three books is that you learn about bedroom techniques that have made a lot of husbands and boyfriends happy...or so I've read. And it is the number one best seller..mostly for that reason, I imagine. And so for the greater good of marriages, they might be good books to read to ensure longer and happier unions.

Especially if you bite your lip. :)

The Mechanical Gene

Before I start this posting, I would like to add a disclaimer (or valid reason) for why I am totally lacking in anything mechanical or spatial like in my DNA.  I am sure it all stems back to my childhood, although I am not really sure of this fact..except for the fact that I grew up with my mom and my sisters, and a group of females just don't spend their time looking at car parts or power tools.  We did use rakes a lot, to rake the gigantic piles of oak leaves that accumulated in the front yard, and caused me to lose my glasses a couple of times. Oak trees make a lot of leaves, I tell you. Of course my middle sister will tell you that she was the ONLY one who ever did all the house/yard work, but if this was true, how could I lose my glasses? (Now we all know that after you rake leaves, jumping in them is a must).

I never had such magnificent leaps into the leaves, and our piles of leaves were MUCH bigger. But you get the point.

I have always had spatial issues. When I was working with small groups of children in college, it was kind of mortifying to note that the students in third grade could piece together a puzzle much faster than I could.  Although I can put together some puzzles, I might add. 

I am also good at the 36 piece ones..most of the time.

After I graduated from college and got married, I just didn't worry about anything that had to do with cars, tools, wood, or anything that I would have to put together. That just wasn't in my job description of me. But God has a sense of humor, and now that I am living alone, I have to face my deficiencies in this area. 

First of all, I had no tools. No hammer, no pliers, no screwdriver, nothing. So kind friends took pity on me and I got some as gifts. I actually have a little pink set, complete with pink hammer and assorted tools whose names escape me at the moment.

I also had to purchase a lawn mower. Now I will say that one thing I am good at is mowing. I learned from the master of the lawn patterns, Craig.  And although I never mowed while living with him, I did a lot of watching from the Yoda of the lawn mower. So I am pretty good at mowing.  I looked around for lawn mowers that were on sale and didn't use batteries, and found an orange one with the Husaveanga name..or something like that. 

I actually found this one at Sears, where someone had returned it, and I got it for 100.00. And it's orange. I think Reid had a hand in this. It's worked really well, except for the time I accidentally bent the blade while trying to trim the border with it. I might add that is not a good idea. 

Since I had to have great looking grass, I had to face my biggest challenge of all..

The gas weed wacker tool of foreboding.

I have seen these things being used by the men in my life all my life. They scare me to death. First, they are taller than I am. Secondly, they make a lot of noise and have string like stuff flying out of it. Thirdly (I know that's not a word, but I like the way it sounds) there is a way you turn them to edge your yard..and I have no idea which way that is. (Please keep in mind my spatial issues).  They also take some kind of mixture of gas and oil. Why that is, I don't know. I guess that they are the equivalent of a Coach handbag versus one from Target, and they are higher maintenance tools. 

The whole point is, they scare me to death. 

I have been looking for one for some time, because I was told by Todd (the master of all things yard related) that I needed one of these because not only do they trim your grass, but you can also put all these attachments on them that will help you do other yard like things as well. Like it has an edger attachment..and a tiller attachment..and I am sure other attachments that make men get excited like women do when Kohl's has a huge sale. 

He called me today to report that I needed to get myself quickly to Lowe's, where one of the scary tools was on sale for 60.00...marked down from hundred something. So being a good padawan of the Yard Master, I turned my car around, and got the evil tool, a gas can thing, and some oil to mix the gas with when I take the new gas can thing to get filled. 

It is now sitting in its box in the garage, laughing at me, and waiting for Todd to come and try to instruct me how to work it without harm to self or others. I guess the better phrase would be without harm to self or the yard.  

So now hopefully I will learn to conquer this tool of power, and try to strengthen the few mechanical genes I have in my body. I am sure I can do it. I am just not sure how well I will do it. 

I am sure bloodshed will be part of it, however. 

The "Almost Summer Vacation" week

Have I mentioned that I am now officially in "out of school, but not on vacation yet" mode? In case you are wrinkling your nose in wondering how that is possible, let me clarify.

1. The students are now at their homes happily reading books, writing massive novels, and enjoying doing model math drawings on the refrigerator. (hey, a principal can dream, can't she?)
2. The teachers are in Vegas, going sky diving, lounging at a pool,  residing at Turtle Mountain and Fat Squirrel, and occasionally giving thanks that they are no where near a PDSA or an Essential Standard. (You know this is true). They do have to sign a disclosure paper that if caught by law enforcement, they will let them know that they are employees of Puesta Del Sol..not Colinas. We have standards, you know. 
3. I am at school, trying to balance classes, wondering what in the heck that paper is STILL doing in one of my piles, and trying to send in paperwork that has been due since 1932. 

In short, it's summer vacation for everyone except me..and I am getting close to it. (Only 3 more days, I might add..if you don't add the weekend, which I never count. It's only right).

But the one benefit of my residence at school still..yet..really.. is that I can relax slightly. No one is waiting to pounce upon me about a natural disaster on the bus or about the fact that I am STILL responsible for global warming. We have interviewed teachers, and although this is a tedious process, I am happy to report we had more excellent candidates for the positions than we had positions to offer. And this is a very good place to be in if you are me. At a school, still. 

The other excellent part of this being at school during the summer is that our gym/cafeteria project is underway. And I mean really underway. The cafeteria and the gym floors are now dirt mounds, you can see through big holes that are gaping in the walls, and who knew that we had so much duct work in the ceilings? But the best part is that we have a construction superintendent that is a cross between Sammy Hager and the guy on Diners, Drive ins, and some other words that escapes me at the moment. And he rocks the casba, as Whitney would say. We are ahead of schedule, he communicates  with us on a regular basis,  and he has three great children named Rex, Crash, and Blaze Susie Q 2.0. (and no, I am not exaggerating). And Crash and Blaze are girls. 

The new stage..where I most likely will sing some kind of song that will make the staff cry..literally.

I am also (since I do not collapse at the end of the day, as I normally do) pursuing things to make me fitter and a better me. The latest is a series of Tony Robbins CDs. Tony Robbins is a very tall man, with a voice that you definitely pay attention to when he speaks. He is teaching me how to visualize the life I want and the goals I want. He does this through incantations such as, "Every day and every way, I am better and better"..and "I am all the love I need..yes." I will add this is very invigorating and has helped me. I do this in the morning when I walk the dogs, and so far no one has carted me off as I chant these mantras with vim and vigor, I might add.  I think the thing I like about him the most is that he is encouraging...the dogs love me, but aren't good at saying, "You are doing great, Laura!" as I try to jog and walk without running into a bush. He is kind of like my new best friend and counselor combined into one person...except I've never met him and he is just a voice. 

I am also back at the pool. I like to swim for many reasons:

1. I'm good at it.
2. It's a good way to cool off when you are hot without taking clothes off.
3. You can do a lot of thinking while doing the back stroke.
4. It helps me get fitter. 

I go to this pool that is a city pool, but for some reason people in Rio Rancho think is a private neighborhood  pool. This works well for me because I can go and swim laps without causing small children to go fleeing out of the pool. Although I will say when I was there today, a couple of children were there from Colinas. Fortunately, they didn't recognize me..which I think is a good thing, because I wouldn't want to be responsible for their therapy bills later on. I guess you just don't think that your principal would be swimming in a bathing suit...ever.  

I also have more time now to work in my yard and garden. I love doing that, although sometimes the plants do not cooperate with me as they should. At the moment, all my tomato plants and garden vegetables are happy and growing, my yard is looking green, I've only bent one lawn mower blade, and my butterfly bush that the office staff gave me is still happy.

Behold the tomato plants.

And my butterfly bush. It is happy in my backyard. 

The Famous Millie posing.

Kitty supervising all my backyard work. 

I do love my "Almost Summer Vacation" Week before my real vacation. Makes me wonder what else I will find to do. Stay tuned. :)

The Nice thing

In my continuing effort to figure on what the heck is going on in the world (and my place in it) I have been doing some serious thinking lately while I walk the dogs. Serious thoughts go on while walking, mostly because there is not a lot to distract me except for looking at the world..and that leads to thinking more of what in the heck is going on in the world, and my place in it. It's like a Laura Numeroff Circle type book.

Surely you know about these books. If you do not, run quickly to a bookstore or library and read them.  Or ask a child in first grade or Kindergarten about them. 

I am a person, for good or for bad, that tends to see the world through a sparkly type lens. You know, the kind that illuminates the world and makes people in it look wonderful and like they are from some kind of movie whose name escapes me at the moment. It will come to me in the middle of the night, or while I am taking a shower or walking the dogs. You know this fact is true. It's kind of like when you have a profound statement that you wished you had said at the time of the conversation, where you would seem all powerful and knowledgable and like Tony Robbins in your wisdom. Of course, this never happens. You stammer and shake your head instead, and then kick yourself silently afterwords. 

Yes, I have been watching Tony Robbins on Oprah and her life tour. Do not roll your eyes at me about this. He is very wise and inspirational like..except I do think he has laryngitis  or something to that effect. 

Now back to my profound thoughts.

I have decided that I need some kind of IEP or an intervention plan to be able to discern between nice and not so nice. This plan is necessary because I have a tendency to make everyone that I meet into a nice person. This I really think is not such a bad thing, unless you are like me and start rationalizing why they are still nice even though they are jerking you around and being a little...well...mean.

My thinking goes like this:

• "I don't think he meant to hurt me when he mentioned another woman in the middle of our conversation. " 

Or my favorite question that drives most of my friends to drink:

• "That was mean? Really?"

Fortunately I have people who are still my friends who care enough about me (thank goodness)  to tell me the truth as I try to figure things out. People do hurt other people. Some intentionally...Some unintentionally. I am guilty as much as anyone at hurting people. That's the way life goes. We hurt people and they think we are mean or nice...because it is all about your perspective and the way you view the world. 

I think even Tony Robbins would agree with me about that. I wonder if he has a question phone hot line?