What? Huh?

I hate to admit this. Really hate to admit it.

I have a focus problem.

Ok, those of you who know me well can stop laughing now.

I always have thought of myself (in the past) as a very focused person...if I had a goal, get out of the way. I would drive myself and everyone crazy in striving to be whatever it was at the moment I was striving to be.  And for the most part, I was pretty successful in doing so.

My apologies to anyone I ran over during this process.

I think when your world is falling around you, it is a good thing to focus on the things you can control.  Although you really can't control anything, really.  That I have learned.

It should tell you something about my life now is that one of my secretaries has her ring tone for me the dog from the movie, "Up."

You know....

I will try to defend my self just a bit in the fact that a couple of things are happening in my life that haven't happened before:

1. A LOT of stuff goes on in my job.
2. I AM getting (just a bit) older.

I know that I have mentioned that a lot of my job involves listening. To everyone. And that is a very good thing to do. However, I am not so good at the listening to all that goes on at the same time...and then remembering what in the heck I have said..or what someone has said to me.  

This leads to the following kind of conversations:

 Colinas Staff Member: "Laura, don't you remember that I asked you if I could blow up the biopark and plant eco-friendly plants that would swallow any naughty students"?

Me: Blank look on face. 

Colinas Staff Member: "Laura, don't you remember that I e-mailed you about taking off a month or so to go to Pango- Pango? You said that it would be just fine, and that you would give me all your sick leave."

Me: Blank look on face.

Now this has led (besides the blank look on my face) to taking copious notes about what and who I am talking to during the day. The only issue with this is that I look back at my copious notes and have no idea what I wrote.  And I have pretty good handwriting.

Desperate measures were called for here.  I know that I look befuzzled a great deal of the time, but REALLY being befuzzled isn't good. At all. 

So I decided to take a course on being more organized. Yes, I know. Me, the queen of color coding, sharpies, and the post it notes.  I could lose my membership in the "Happy Organizer"club.

I actually took a day off and went to a Franklin Covey course about Focus...and achieving my highest priorities.  Yes, that was the name of the course.  It was led by a very tall man named Cordell who had a voice like a movie trailer announcer. 

Cordell did have some very good points, however.

One thing that he talked about was a mathematical formula that took the hours during a day that you worked...and the percentage of hours that you could actually get priorities done..versus the hours in which you had interruptions, and calls, and things like that.  It seems as if the percentage of time you can get priorities done is less than the hours you work. For me, it's about 4 hours that I can actually get done what I should get done. 

The other thing that he talked about was the "Big Rocks" theory.  It seems as if there are things that are important in your life: Family, spiritual, physical health, education, etc. But these important things get pushed aside fot the "little pebbles" that crowd into your life. You know, running to the store, phone calls, internet surfing, etc. So he talked about how you actually schedule your week so that the "Big Rocks" of your life are scheduled first..and then the little pebbles around it. 

Now that made sense to me. I am always pushing aside the things (and sometimes the people) that are important to me. So now I have a weekly planning schedule in which I schedule "Big Rocks" priorities for the week....keeping in mind the percentage of time I have to really focus in on it for the day.  And I can do it through my Outlook calendar, in which I can happily color code my "Big Rock" categories.  So I can actually plan my gym time, my family time, my friend time, and realistic goals at work that I can get done.

Oops...will get done. With color coding, of course.  

We Don't Remember Days...We Remember Moments

Sometimes the planets align and the time-space continuum tilts just the right way..perhaps to recognize that every once in a while things need to be...well, well in the world.

Last Saturday was one of those days. 

You may have noticed (or not) that I have not mentioned dating/trying to understand someone who has stopped seeing me lately.  I have decided that it is bad karma or bad ju ju to do so...although this a flawed theory, most likely. It's like you attract what you don't proclaim..or if you proclaim it, it doesn't sustain. (I am always thinking of good T-shirt slogans, I might add).

However, lately I have been seeing this amazing person. He is kind, he is funny, he is smart, he is generous and good at keeping me off balanced and on my toes. That's a very good thing for me, and very rare to find. Trust me. 

I couldn't tell you at this point what our relationship (or non-relationship) is like at this point in time. The important thing is that we have fun together,and I need to stay neutral, like Switzerland.  So we are friends that have fun. 

Now on to the amazing day.

If you know anything about me, you know that a big thrill for me is getting a new Sharpie.  I'm pretty easy to please. But my world usually consists of going to school, walking the dogs, visiting Torturous Dave at the gym, trying to ride my bike, doing things with my friends.

Which is not a bad world, I might add.

He had told me a while ago that we should go sometime to the 10,000 Waves Spa place. Now I had heard of this place, which is located outside Santa Fe, but I never had gone there.  So when he called me and asked if I'd like to go with him,  I was very excited. I would be going out of town, to a very neat place, with a very good friend, and have fun.

Bonus.  :)

We drove up to Santa Fe in his little restored Porsche that was born the year Whitney was. It was an absolutely beautiful day...the kind in which the sky is really blue, the weather is absolutely perfect, and my platoon of angels are breathing a sigh of relief...perhaps taking a nap.

These are a little fruity, but hopefully you get the point.

We drove through Santa Fe...which is a treat in itself. Such a mix of funky, eclectic, and different. We stopped at this little store in which I was allowed to buy him a yummy fruit drink, and we browsed around, looking at all the different and unique things to eat. 

As we took the ride up the mountain to the Spa, I caught my breath a bit. The last time I had traveled this road, it was with Reid. I was taking him up to snowboard at Ski Santa Fe.  It was one of those moments that drag you back into grief just a bit, but it quickly passed as we pulled into 10,000 Waves. 

Nice to see that you can burn calories while you walk to the spa.

As we were walking up, he noticed the lights along the path. Now one thing I should mention is that he owns a lighting company...so lights are what he does. He did point out to me that he would have never installed the kind of lights that were on the path...the wires were open in some sort of hole, and the elements could get in.

Behold the stinky lights.

47 calories later, we got to the top of the walk where the spa was located.  When you walk in, there is a little river inside, filled with Koi fish, all waiting to be fed. Unfortunately, there is a very stern sign that tells you not to feed them. Rats. So after waving a sad goodbye to them, we checked in and went into our little spa area.

Wow.

On the way to our little spa..take a right.

This was like our own little private world. The spa guy (named "Buddha Bob") gave us a special key that opened up the the world to the Ichiban spa. It was a little world within the spa.

Double Wow.

When we first entered, there was a little area to the right before the hot tubs that you showered and rinsed off in preparation for entering the hot tubs. And there was a sauna beside it that made me feel like I was living in Georgia again. (hello, humidity). After we changed and I had fun spraying him with the shower nozzle that you could move around..we went into the hot tubs.

Bliss. 

The water was warm..the air outside was cold..and when the wind blew slightly through the pines, it was the most serene feeling in the world. When I heard we had 90 minutes to enjoy this bliss, I was a bit worried it would be too long. But it flew by, and when they called through the intercom to give us a "15 minute warning" I was amazed. 

After checking out the very different Japanese bathroom..it did everything but talk to you..we went back into the shower area, washed off, used the nice warm towels that he had placed so thoughtfully in the sauna...got dressed, and went back into the main building.

My hair was soaked, my face was red, my makeup was smeared, but my heart was happy and peaceful. 

Thanks for the happy day. 

When what is right is wrong.

It's interesting (when you take the time to look at things in the world) how things seem to balance. Sometimes your personal life can be going to pieces, while your professional life is stellar.  And then life can tilt, and your professional life is like climbing uphill, while your personal life is well..is happy.

Scary thing for me to say, really.

I've waited and worked a long time for happy. At first I wasn't sure what happy was anymore. I was so lost in the muck of losing Reid, and ensuing explosion of my marriage, that I couldn't even see happy. It was so  far away and unreachable.

But after a lot of time (still hate that word) and a lot of work, happy is back in my life. If not happy, content works as well.

I kept hearing from friends that as I gained confidence in myself and self esteem that I was a worthwhile person, I would attract the right kind of people. And in my ever ending quest to figure out what the heck was important, and what was not, I found this to be true. You can't give to others until you are content with yourself.

So here I am, actually pleased with my little life. I liked going home..I liked spending time with my friends, my girls, my dogs..and liked being by myself. I really did.

By the way, I still do.

And so there I was, happy, figuring things out, the time space continuum was tilted in the right directions, and then it happened.

I met someone.

Now you must realize that I do have standards for what I am looking for in a man. Although I've been told they are too high, I don't think so.  A job and teeth are crucial. Honesty, a good sense of humor, kindness, a focus and a purpose, and integrity are also in there.

That's him.

When we first started talking and e-mailing, we had such a good time with words and wit and humor. When we first met, I remember thinking that once again I would meet someone, and as usual, meeting me would turn into "unmeeting me". However, I was getting used to being rejected, and not as devastated as I was when the world of dating torture began.

He actually still liked me after we met.

We had fun together, and enjoyed teasing each other, and that was exactly where it needed to be for me. I wasn't expecting a relationship...I wasn't expecting exclusivity..it was just enough to get to know him and spend time together.

He is one of the kindest and generous man I have ever met. In fact, he is the kindest and most generous man I ever met. And that is a very rare thing for me. It touched me to my core. I still was very thankful for his attention and friendship, and enjoyed the challenge of wits that he brought to my life. Of course I was hoping our friendship would progress, but I wasn't in a hurry.

But I found out that who I was...was not enough.

The one thing that I have realized that all we have is what is inside of us.  We may be tall, or short, or thin, or wide. We may be a size 8, or overweight, and it can all change in a blink of an eye. The outside can change.

But the inside is the thing.

The one thing that is not enough is when you have criteria that is so tight and structured that it stops you from finding the thing that you really want. As wonderful and great as I told that I was, it wasn't enough.

It was right..but I was wrong.

Now I have to decide if the friendship that we have is enough. I have to decide if I can hope...or not hope for more. I have to decide if a person that I have grown to care for and value as a friend is who I am thinking he is..or wrong.

Today my daughter told me (who is very wise at times for 25) that there is nothing wrong with just having fun. Just fun. and to think of it as, "Ka-Pow". If you know her, that makes perfect sense she would say that.  To enjoy the fun, and the friendship, and the good times together, and just to live in that.

Even when the right is wrong.