You would think that I would learn. You would think that the "Life Lessons of Laura Moore" should have advanced by now to a more fine tuned, metaphysical, world renowned me. (Although I am now famous at the local Starbucks because someone caught me in a weak moment and took my picture. I would rather have my nails pulled off than take a picture. Well, let me rethink that one...but you know what I mean). This just goes to show you that I spend far too much time at Starbucks. However, that's another story for another time.
I have mentioned before that people usually convey what they are. (Please refer back to the story about the Mayor and his distain for lying). If you are a person that likes to cheat and run around on your spouse/significant other/sweetie pie...then you are going to think that everyone else does that too. Hopefully you are not that person. Please don't tell me if you are. I really don't want to know that. I think if you are fortunate enough to have a spouse/significant other/sweetie pie..it is a good idea to show commitment to said sweetie pie.
I am also finding out (in the latest installment of my Life lesson journey) that people will also convey things to you that they are not. Perhaps they wish they were that. Perhaps someone told them they were that. Perhaps they had a fleeting glimpse of what it would be like to be that...and they are holding on to that glimpse like Tila holds on to one of my new shoes. I don't know. But here is the deal.
I don't get why honesty is such an issue.
Now don't get me wrong...I don't have a halo around my head. I have not been truthful myself at times. I don't think anyone is entirely truthful. But it never continues to amaze me how people can spin webs around themselves, trapping themselves in lies..when it would be so much easier on everyone if they had put on their big boy/girl pants and just told the truth in the first place.
Lack of honesty is a slippery slope. Once you start down that hill, it is very hard to get back up to the top again. And it's hard to keep up with what you say...and then what you said after that. This leads to puzzled looks on faces...and those who do have good memories remember the variation in facts. And sometimes, there are people who choose NOT to hear the lies..or the stories that change faster than the innings when your baseball team is not so....well, not so stellar. I lived that way for a long time. It was easier to ignore the discrepancies than face the real truth.
So here is the deal again.
People who spend a lot of time telling you who they are, and what they are about...usually are the opposite of what they are saying.
If you are nice and kind, it is just best to be that..rather than telling others you are that.
If you are a BFL (big fat liar for those of you who don't know me well) it is best to get a notebook to keep up with what you say to others. After all, if lack of integrity is your deal, it is best to show fidelity in doing so.
Just saying.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
The "Letting Go" Thing
I am happy to announce that I am now going through more than one paragraph a day of the Eckart Tolle book. After tutorial instructions from my friend who is fond of the Chefs..
I am now zipping through "The Power of the Now". However, keep in mind that zipping means in this case I can get through the main idea of it all. I will say this is a book where bits and pieces pop out at you. They are minute bits and pieces at this point, but some things are making sense just the same.
One thing Mr. Tolle (I don't think it is respectful to call him Eckart at this point) is talking about in my morning selection of his book is that in order to live in the "Now", you have to let go of the control and by doing so, you will accumulate more than you could have even dreamed of having.
As I read this passage, I realized that I (yes, small, anxiety ridden me) had actually done this...and it worked!
(Skies opening, angels singing, birds tweeting, my personal angels going "Woot Woot" that I FINALLY got something).
When I was trying to purchase my house, there were many obstacles along the way. The biggest one was that the money that I was supposed to get in the house that the Mayor and I owned together was being withheld from me for various reasons; the major one (I imagine) was that he did not want me to have it.
This was an issue, for without this money, there would not be a house for me. However, to be honest, I was very happy at my peaceful "Recovery House", and I wasn't really focusing on the fact that I might not be able to get it.
The house was supposed to be ready in August, and there were some crucial papers that the Mayor HAD to sign to prove that my name was no longer on the mortgage that we shared together. This obviously was a law written somewhere in "How to Buy a House" land. But to do this, I had to go talk to them (which I would not do for my sanity and safety) or he had to sign them. (Which he would not do. This should not have surprised me..and didn't really).
So I told the real estate people that I could do no more to make sure that they had all the signatures that they needed...and if they wanted me to get the loan, they would have to figure out a way to make this work. And then I hung up the phone, and went home to walk Kitty. After all, one must have priorities.
In short, I let the situation go, and threw it out there in the cosmos of life. I didn't obsess about what would happen if I didn't get it. I didn't worry about what could happen to the small investment I had already made.
To repeat....I let the situation go. Mr. Tolle says you don't have problems (unless you are living in the future or the past) you have situations.
(Skies opening again, angels doing back flips along with Reid, and reporting to God that perhaps they could drop their platoon of angel surveillance a bit on me. I imagine monitoring me takes angels working overtime).
And guess what happened?
Well, if you know me, you know what happened, because I am now sitting in the house of which I let go of the problem. (oops, I mean situation).
It does work. :)
I am now zipping through "The Power of the Now". However, keep in mind that zipping means in this case I can get through the main idea of it all. I will say this is a book where bits and pieces pop out at you. They are minute bits and pieces at this point, but some things are making sense just the same.
One thing Mr. Tolle (I don't think it is respectful to call him Eckart at this point) is talking about in my morning selection of his book is that in order to live in the "Now", you have to let go of the control and by doing so, you will accumulate more than you could have even dreamed of having.
As I read this passage, I realized that I (yes, small, anxiety ridden me) had actually done this...and it worked!
(Skies opening, angels singing, birds tweeting, my personal angels going "Woot Woot" that I FINALLY got something).
This was an issue, for without this money, there would not be a house for me. However, to be honest, I was very happy at my peaceful "Recovery House", and I wasn't really focusing on the fact that I might not be able to get it.
The house was supposed to be ready in August, and there were some crucial papers that the Mayor HAD to sign to prove that my name was no longer on the mortgage that we shared together. This obviously was a law written somewhere in "How to Buy a House" land. But to do this, I had to go talk to them (which I would not do for my sanity and safety) or he had to sign them. (Which he would not do. This should not have surprised me..and didn't really).
So I told the real estate people that I could do no more to make sure that they had all the signatures that they needed...and if they wanted me to get the loan, they would have to figure out a way to make this work. And then I hung up the phone, and went home to walk Kitty. After all, one must have priorities.
In short, I let the situation go, and threw it out there in the cosmos of life. I didn't obsess about what would happen if I didn't get it. I didn't worry about what could happen to the small investment I had already made.
To repeat....I let the situation go. Mr. Tolle says you don't have problems (unless you are living in the future or the past) you have situations.
(Skies opening again, angels doing back flips along with Reid, and reporting to God that perhaps they could drop their platoon of angel surveillance a bit on me. I imagine monitoring me takes angels working overtime).
And guess what happened?
Well, if you know me, you know what happened, because I am now sitting in the house of which I let go of the problem. (oops, I mean situation).
It does work. :)
Saturday, September 10, 2011
The Now of the Now.
Have I ever mentioned I am a good reader?
I LOVE to read. I have read a lot most of my life. I read when I dry my hair..I read when I am sitting on the toilet. I read when I am eating any kind of meal alone. (Don't tell our librarian that..you are not supposed to eat while you read).
I have always been a speedy reader as well. This has its advantages and disadvantages. When I was in Mrs. Sexton's class in the sixth grade, I would read a passage..finish..look around..and see that I was the first one done. Then I would read it over again since I didn't want the teacher to think that I hadn't read the book. And maybe read it again if others were still reading. I didn't want to get in trouble, or look like I wasn't doing what I should be doing, for goodness sakes.
Since I read quickly, and skim along the way (The Evelyn Wood Speed Reading program has nothing on me). I do miss details. This makes rereading again a pleasure, because I find out new facts that I missed the first time. For example, I missed the whole Harry Potter versus Lord Voldemort flying scene...but to be honest, I don't think it was in the book in the first place. I might add that I have very skilled comprehension for someone who flies along the pages. I am sure I am over a DRA 50.
When Reid died, I was lucky if I could read a page at a time at all. The anchor that had been my whole life fell apart as well. I would pick up a book..start to read a page..the letters would get all scrambly..and then I would put down the book and go to sleep. The whole foundation of my life was betraying me. Very unfair.
Now it's five years after his death (holy cow) and I can read again. I still don't have the stamina that I used to have for reading, but bits and pieces of this part of my life are coming back. And because I am learning life lessons...and the things I need to learn..I encounter people that are helping me on my way. That's the way the Life Lesson World is, I have discovered.
I think I was meant to read the Eckert Tolle "The Power of Now" because A: I was given it as a gift several years ago by a colleague who obviously could see I needed its wisdom, and B: A friend recommended it. It's kind of when you go to a store or a restaurant..and there is a parking space right up front by the building. That is a sign you are supposed to be there. (in the world of me, that is). So I felt that I should be reading this book, by the actions of the time-space continuum around me.
But Holy Cow.
This book is not a book you can skim through. Not at all. I am STILL on chapter one, and I've read it for five days now. In fact, I am not even off the fifth page of Chapter One. Mr. Tolle is VERY deep and very wise. In fact, he is so wise...I have to keep reading the words in a paragraph several times just to get the meaning..and then I have to think about the meaning and the sentences before I can continue to the next paragraph.
I think I need a "Eckert Tolle Book for Dummies".
However, I am getting some bits and pieces of what he is trying to say to my very muddled brain. It's that you have to let go of the past..and not worry about the future. I have done some really hard brain work of letting go of the past. It was really hard work, I might add. I blamed myself for everything..so ending up in Crazy Land, for putting my children through pain, for disappointing others..the list was long. I did finally realize that I did make the best decisions that I could at the time. I am a good and a wonderful person to be around..and that the past, and the lessons that I have learned from it, have taught me what to do (and not to do) and to keep myself fairly grounded.
The future part is still an issue with me, however.
I do like to think about what my life will be like..and what I want it to be like. But those two factors really have nothing to do with what it is at the moment. Because the moment of the now is the only now that I know. (Try to say that quickly two times). But it's true. I do have moments where the joy of the moment, and all it entails, takes my breath away. I have those now moments when I walk the dogs...when I see a student smile at me...when a staff members confides in me...when Miss Pam's two grandsons run and put their arms around me. I felt it last week when a friend was sitting on my couch with his arm around me. It's like when you are home.
But I am scared of those moments, to be honest. I am terrified that they will be snatched away..and the pain of it all will put me back to where I was when I was missing my son with every fiber of my body, and wishing that my mom was alive. And that's what the now is all about..to enjoy what you have while you are having it..and not to think about when it could end, or if someone could change their mind about you.
I hope I get to that part of the book soon.
I LOVE to read. I have read a lot most of my life. I read when I dry my hair..I read when I am sitting on the toilet. I read when I am eating any kind of meal alone. (Don't tell our librarian that..you are not supposed to eat while you read).
I have always been a speedy reader as well. This has its advantages and disadvantages. When I was in Mrs. Sexton's class in the sixth grade, I would read a passage..finish..look around..and see that I was the first one done. Then I would read it over again since I didn't want the teacher to think that I hadn't read the book. And maybe read it again if others were still reading. I didn't want to get in trouble, or look like I wasn't doing what I should be doing, for goodness sakes.
Since I read quickly, and skim along the way (The Evelyn Wood Speed Reading program has nothing on me). I do miss details. This makes rereading again a pleasure, because I find out new facts that I missed the first time. For example, I missed the whole Harry Potter versus Lord Voldemort flying scene...but to be honest, I don't think it was in the book in the first place. I might add that I have very skilled comprehension for someone who flies along the pages. I am sure I am over a DRA 50.
When Reid died, I was lucky if I could read a page at a time at all. The anchor that had been my whole life fell apart as well. I would pick up a book..start to read a page..the letters would get all scrambly..and then I would put down the book and go to sleep. The whole foundation of my life was betraying me. Very unfair.
Now it's five years after his death (holy cow) and I can read again. I still don't have the stamina that I used to have for reading, but bits and pieces of this part of my life are coming back. And because I am learning life lessons...and the things I need to learn..I encounter people that are helping me on my way. That's the way the Life Lesson World is, I have discovered.
I think I was meant to read the Eckert Tolle "The Power of Now" because A: I was given it as a gift several years ago by a colleague who obviously could see I needed its wisdom, and B: A friend recommended it. It's kind of when you go to a store or a restaurant..and there is a parking space right up front by the building. That is a sign you are supposed to be there. (in the world of me, that is). So I felt that I should be reading this book, by the actions of the time-space continuum around me.
But Holy Cow.
This book is not a book you can skim through. Not at all. I am STILL on chapter one, and I've read it for five days now. In fact, I am not even off the fifth page of Chapter One. Mr. Tolle is VERY deep and very wise. In fact, he is so wise...I have to keep reading the words in a paragraph several times just to get the meaning..and then I have to think about the meaning and the sentences before I can continue to the next paragraph.
I think I need a "Eckert Tolle Book for Dummies".
However, I am getting some bits and pieces of what he is trying to say to my very muddled brain. It's that you have to let go of the past..and not worry about the future. I have done some really hard brain work of letting go of the past. It was really hard work, I might add. I blamed myself for everything..so ending up in Crazy Land, for putting my children through pain, for disappointing others..the list was long. I did finally realize that I did make the best decisions that I could at the time. I am a good and a wonderful person to be around..and that the past, and the lessons that I have learned from it, have taught me what to do (and not to do) and to keep myself fairly grounded.
The future part is still an issue with me, however.
I do like to think about what my life will be like..and what I want it to be like. But those two factors really have nothing to do with what it is at the moment. Because the moment of the now is the only now that I know. (Try to say that quickly two times). But it's true. I do have moments where the joy of the moment, and all it entails, takes my breath away. I have those now moments when I walk the dogs...when I see a student smile at me...when a staff members confides in me...when Miss Pam's two grandsons run and put their arms around me. I felt it last week when a friend was sitting on my couch with his arm around me. It's like when you are home.
But I am scared of those moments, to be honest. I am terrified that they will be snatched away..and the pain of it all will put me back to where I was when I was missing my son with every fiber of my body, and wishing that my mom was alive. And that's what the now is all about..to enjoy what you have while you are having it..and not to think about when it could end, or if someone could change their mind about you.
I hope I get to that part of the book soon.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
A New Skill Set
I was reading a Facebook post this morning that talked about how on Facebook relationships are always perfect, people have these great lives, full of exciting adventures and great attitudes.
Just to let you know, I am not that typical Facebook person.
I do need to make a couple of things clear before I launch into this rambling episode of "How the Bubble Turns."
1. I know I am a great person.
2. I know I have a lot to offer someone.
3. I know that there are things about me that need to be improved..and trust me, the list is long.
4. I really(for the most part) like who I am.
5. I now know that not everything that happens in the world is my fault. I have stopped taking responsibility (for the most part) of how people feel and react. (As if I could have controlled that anywho).
But I am learning a lot. Again. Sigh.
I like things neat and tidy. I always have. I like to know what is coming down the road. I like to know that step A leads to step B. I like to think that when someone tells you something, they really mean it.
However, none of the above is true all the time.
Several things happened this week to make it a "Perfect Storm" in terms of how I took a detour in my positive road of the path of life. I kind of slid into the marsh lands of "the slime" of life. It is kind of when right after Reid died...I would feel as if the Monster from the Black Lagoon would reach up and grab me, twisting my insides so hard that I felt like I had been through a Coffee press..with little pieces of me left behind. Each one in themselves wouldn't have been so bad, but all of them together were not helpful.
What the things were are not important at this point, (except that when you are exhausted, going to sleep is helpful) but what I need to realize is this. This life in which I am meeting new people, and searching to find someone to share my life with is a whole new skill set for me. Like anything that you are doing, you don't do it well at first. And it doesn't flow from step A to step B as easily as I would like it to flow. And even when it does do that, the flow of what you want to happen can stop...or change directions...or turn you upside down. I'm not so resilient in this area as I am in other areas of my life. I need to recognize this about myself, and really work on how to take care of myself, yet not lose the pieces of me that make up me.
At school we are working on Essential Standard plans, in which you look at a specific area that needs improvement (according to data, of course) and design a plan for how you will improve and get to proficiency in that area. I guess I need a plan as well for how I will handle my new skill set..except the only "data" I have are the life lessons that I keep learning each and every day. There is not a "life map" for me..except that I need to stay who I am, keep learning, and remember that each day brings new exciting adventures and opportunities for me to learn...again.
Dang it. :)
Just to let you know, I am not that typical Facebook person.
I do need to make a couple of things clear before I launch into this rambling episode of "How the Bubble Turns."
1. I know I am a great person.
2. I know I have a lot to offer someone.
3. I know that there are things about me that need to be improved..and trust me, the list is long.
4. I really(for the most part) like who I am.
5. I now know that not everything that happens in the world is my fault. I have stopped taking responsibility (for the most part) of how people feel and react. (As if I could have controlled that anywho).
But I am learning a lot. Again. Sigh.
I like things neat and tidy. I always have. I like to know what is coming down the road. I like to know that step A leads to step B. I like to think that when someone tells you something, they really mean it.
However, none of the above is true all the time.
Several things happened this week to make it a "Perfect Storm" in terms of how I took a detour in my positive road of the path of life. I kind of slid into the marsh lands of "the slime" of life. It is kind of when right after Reid died...I would feel as if the Monster from the Black Lagoon would reach up and grab me, twisting my insides so hard that I felt like I had been through a Coffee press..with little pieces of me left behind. Each one in themselves wouldn't have been so bad, but all of them together were not helpful.
What the things were are not important at this point, (except that when you are exhausted, going to sleep is helpful) but what I need to realize is this. This life in which I am meeting new people, and searching to find someone to share my life with is a whole new skill set for me. Like anything that you are doing, you don't do it well at first. And it doesn't flow from step A to step B as easily as I would like it to flow. And even when it does do that, the flow of what you want to happen can stop...or change directions...or turn you upside down. I'm not so resilient in this area as I am in other areas of my life. I need to recognize this about myself, and really work on how to take care of myself, yet not lose the pieces of me that make up me.
At school we are working on Essential Standard plans, in which you look at a specific area that needs improvement (according to data, of course) and design a plan for how you will improve and get to proficiency in that area. I guess I need a plan as well for how I will handle my new skill set..except the only "data" I have are the life lessons that I keep learning each and every day. There is not a "life map" for me..except that I need to stay who I am, keep learning, and remember that each day brings new exciting adventures and opportunities for me to learn...again.
Dang it. :)
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