When Your Best May Not Be Enough.

They are the best part of my day.

They walk into school carrying their backpacks, their hopes, their dreams, their sadness.

Their faces light up the campus. Their smiles. Their hugs. They skip, they hop, they run.

I watch their eyes light up when they see a friend, a teacher, or a balloon that floats across the horizon.

I treasure their hugs as they meet me as a long lost friend that they have missed, and listen to their stories about their frogs, their daddies, their dogs and blankies.  I ache with them as they experience things in life that souls this small should not endure.

They are the best part of my world.

My job is to keep students safe and help them learn.  That's what I tell them when they visit me in my office. That's what I believe.

That's what I do.

This morning, I took my dogs to the school, as I always do. And as I walked across the campus, I thought about each and every face. The ones that come barreling down the pathway from the buses. The ones that join arms, that have bows on their hair, that smile at me shyly on their way to their rooms. The ones that are sneaking through the biopark, chasing after a friend. The ones that come early to school, and sit on the ledges in the hallway, waiting for a bell. The ones with missing teeth and big hugs that greet me as they round a corner. The ones that hold a parent's hand, and wave at me behind their mittens and scarfs.

My job is to keep them safe.

You take for granted so much in this world. And then something happens that blows that world apart. And now 20 small children that took the fact that their school was a safe place are now gone, leaving a world that is wondering what is safe anymore.

Walking among the pods this morning, I started to think about what I would do if I ever had to look a parent in the eye, and let them know I wasn't able to keep their most precious thing in the world safe.  And what I would do if I had to explain to a family that I wasn't able to  keep a teacher or staff member safe. And I started to think if I have done everything I can humanly do to make sure I never have to do that.

And wondering if my best is not enough.

But I do know this. I will walk back into school on Monday morning, and treasure the smiles, the hugs, the laughter, even the annoyance that comes as a part of a school day. I also know that I will do my best to ensure that my school is a place where children can come,  be safe, and can learn.

And my best will be enough. I pray it will be enough.

Danger, Danger, Will Robinson.

Have I mentioned to you that I am a slow learner?

Well, for those of you who don't have the pleasure of knowing me and all my quirks, I am. The obvious is not always obvious to me.  If there is a hard way to do something, I will find it.  And then when I see that I could have accomplished a task or project in 3.54 seconds, instead of 3.42 hours, I am always amazed.

In other words, common sense is not always present where I am. And no, I am not gifted. (Those of you who know me can stop laughing now).

I would like to mention that I think I am almost normal now in the world of dating. Well, as normal as you can be when you are dating.  I worry at times that perhaps I am too detached from connections with someone..which brings about an interesting question...

Am I actually exhibiting normal, healthy, adult behavior?
Or am I putting up barriers so I won't get hurt and can maintain some form of sanity?

Yes.

It is possible in life to be at a myriad of levels in becoming the person you were meant to be. Sometimes the levels inside your brain are healthy, and some levels are old defenses that pop up when you are threatened by a past that puts your mind on full scale alert.

Danger, Danger, Will Robinson.

As I have been actually participating in normal dating behavior that doesn't resemble scenes from Fatal Attraction, (and no, I was never that bad..I hope)  I have noticed a strange but important fact.

The closer I get to someone in a healthy relationship, the more I panic.

Danger, Danger, Will Robinson..or Defcon 4, or whatever it is when your mind goes into a state of defense and shuts down.

I have also noticed (please remember the slow learner part of me) that the closer I get to a normal dating relationship, the more dysfunctional my eating habits become.  This realization hit me a couple of weeks ago when I caught myself devouring a box of Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls, after a very happy date.  It makes no logical sense why I would implode a relationship, or hurt myself by unhealthy eating habits...that I know perfectly well how to fix.

Or perhaps it does make sense.

After my adventures in Crazy Land, I was determined that what happened to me with the Mayor would never,  NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, (did I mention never?) happen to me again. And I think that is smart.  You should learn from your mistakes. And when I make mistakes, I go big.

Sigh.

However, the result from my determination is that my psyche also somehow decided that it would help to make sure I didn't get hurt by ..well, just not participating in dating activities that could make hurt a possibility. So for all my complaining and whining that I wasn't a star in the dating world, my inside was rejoicing. ("Yippee! We can't go through this again, so let's help Laura drive yet another poor guy away)".

At least I think that's what my brain was saying to the rest of me.

So now that I am dating someone, and things are getting closer for me, I am terrified. Because I absolutely can not go through this again. My little brain is putting out all kinds of brain stuff that is telling me to run like the wind, hide in my house, push away any kind of warmth that could be intimate.

This is a big problem.

Of course I don't want my life to be this way. My head is telling me so. All resources tell me so. But the heart part of me just doesn't want to have any part of this yet.  Just like when Reid died,  it's the head/heart connection.   My head knew he was gone, but my heart was absolutely broken. And will always be, on some level. And it took a bit for my heart and head to get together to figure that out. Kind of.

So now I have to work on being brave, putting away past hurts, and moving forward to the life and relationships that I deserve.  My head knows that it's possible, that I will have to take a chance in anything wonderful in life, that I need to tear down those walls I am so good at putting around my heart.

Just hope my heart cooperates.