If you know anything about me, you know that May after 2006 was equivalent to me as having to sit through a horror movie, with knives and dismembered body parts being thrown around. (Although I never saw much of a horror or spooky movie, because I was hiding behind my hands, doing the "finger peek" if it seemed safe to look).
I was looking forward to this May with the same excitement that I reserved for having to sit through day long district leadership meetings. (I always have never gotten the point of sitting through a meeting where nothing much is decided, and saying things I could read perfectly well on my own). I figured that I would prepare myself for the feelings that always surge through me, kind of like being grabbed by the monster from the Black Lagoon in the slimy cess pool of horror.
Well, I have gotten a bit of a surprise.
Last weekend I actually went out and had a really good time. And when I tell you it was a really good time, it ranked up there with getting to pick out a Louis Vuitton purse for free..but only with humans and having fun the way people do when they are not kicked in the stomach by the events of life. . I kept blinking, and thinking, "Hey, it's May...I'm supposed to be in the fetal position on my sofa" but then went back to having a really good weekend.
Part of me felt a little guilty, as if the lessening of the grief I felt was a dishonor to Reid..and part of me knew that he would be sitting there, telling me it was about time that I stopped being so "emo" about him. (After all, I am sure he is up there blowing his tuba at the angels, and giving advice about how to illegally wire the sun so that the lights flash randomly. Reid was big on being random). But the way that I can honor him is to have a joyful life..so even though I am a slow learner, I am seeing that it is ok to be happy. And be happy with who I am.
Today was I performing my second job (walking the dogs) and we were on on the field at Colinas, where they can run around, and Tila can pretend to be a panther, running so fast at Kitty that she almost knocks her over. It occurred to me as I was walking that I was given a gift of being alone. For a long time, I felt that half of myself was missing, due to the fact I wasn't in a relationship. At first I thought it was me. It was my fault..I didn't act, react, behave a certain way, so that men that I encountered didn't think I was enough. It hit me today that the gift of being on my own gives me the time I need to learn to be happy with me, and proud of who I am. I am not that bad, and I am beginning to see that it's not me that's not worthy of a man, but perhaps men that haven't been worthy of me.
I went to a football game today, watching the son of one of my secretaries play in the semi final match. And they won. The parents went wild, as did the boys, and as I watched the boys run through a path made by the parents, I burst into tears watching the excitement and joy that they all had...and wishing that I had more time with Reid to do those kinds of things that constitute a life. But then I realized that was my job now for Reid..to fill my life with those experiences that make my life a life that Reid would be proud of...and one that I would be proud of, too.
Now I just have to figure out what to wear to go out tonight. :)
